Fishy Nightmares and Daytime Delight!

I probably whimpered again in my sleep last night, as I had another nightmare. This time it was about Trident.

So it starts off with just Trident in his tank. But for some odd reason, I guess I felt the need to buy another goldfish AND a seahorse too! So I put both of them into Trident's tank. I start wondering what the hell is wrong with me; not only is that tank not big enough for 3 fish, but seahorses probably require special tropical fish tank settings! Then I notice there's a plastic baggie on the ground with what appears to be a third goldfish, only it's floating at the surface, obviously dead. I start freaking out and check on the fish in the tank. One goldfish is still alive but kinda floating at the top like it's dying, so I (for some weird reason) blow on it to push it back down below the surface. Then it seems okay. But I can tell the seahorse is pretty much dying. So later BOTH fish look like they're dying or already dead, floating at the top. And I'm STILL trying to blow them back down, but I think I eventually give up and start mourning Trident's death.

Needless to say, I was freaked out when I woke up. But I'm pretty sure I had the dream after falling back asleep after waking up at 8 to open the door for the Cable guy. [Who asked me if I was over 18 and I spent a good 30-60 seconds staring at him, really wondering if I was. I was still half asleep.]

In other news, I am feeling much better today. Chest and stomach anxiety has disappeared, probably because I feel like a weight has been lifted from almost completely tying off the loose ends of my past relationship. I'm feeling good. The future looks promising. I'm not stuck in the past, but reading my old blog makes me happy to know how much I've grown.

Not quite sure what adventures I'll have today. There's a few things I know I'd like to do or get done:

• There's still more laundry to do (I haven't even gotten to MY clothes yet XD). 
• Get started on my cosplay.
• Aaand figure out what level of cute/modest or skanky I'm going to make it.
• Keep working on getting Trident's tank clean. 
• Ordering de-chlorinator for Trident's tank.
• Contacting the people who said they wanted to adopt the boy mice. 
• Drinking mountain dew. 
• Starting my new Chronicles of Jar fictional stories. 
• Keep reading my old weblog. 
• Figure out New Years Eve plans.
• Having had a good break from the stresses of school, and having the emotional side of me somewhat tamed for now, I'm also craving some intellectual activities and discussions! 
• And finally, finding out how I can get a flower like THIS! Courtesy of the interwebz.

Nostalgia~ and moving on!

Stumbled upon my old Xanga weblog today. And I couldn't be happier!

I expected that it would be all depressing and stuff, considering that I started it back when I was depressed. But... the most recent posts were from only a few years ago, and it got me thinking about how I used to be. It was actually pretty upbeat! It reminded me about how giddy and thrilled I was to be having my first real relationship. He did used to be a completely different person. It also reminded me that I used to have a "crush" on this boy in junior high, which continued into the first year of high-school. Which just goes to show that time will heal all this frustration and blah feelings too!

I used to be so weird and creative, what the heck happened? Have I really become so dulled-down by the internet and life?

It feels good to laugh at my own quirky stories! If it weren't so majorly embarrassing I'd re-post it on blogger. XD Oh goodness! I miss writing though. I miss reading too. I guess I've just gotten used to spending all my time on the internet.

I've noticed that I become the most creative when I'm under the most pressure. College, compared to high-school, has been a breeze. Class only about 4 hours a day? Hardly any busy work? Wow! It's like a paradise! And I even have time to hold a part-time job again too! I managed to have one in highschool for a while, but it became a bit much while I was taking AP classes.

Great, since I'm more boring now than when I went into my first relationship... does that make me damaged goods? XD I hope not! I've got so much more life inside me, so much love yet unleashed! Gahhhhh!

I have found my motivation! I'm going to live life to the fullest~! I'm going to start a new blog for story-writing, maybe even getting back into the "Chronicles of Jar". I don't think I could do the series justice anymore. Flower, you gotta read my story! It just proves how weird I was in high school.

And, I've also become inspired in other ways. I don't need a man to feel happy or complete, I need to have more confidence in myself! But I shouldn't spend my whole life hiding either, I should trust my gut instincts and just let my heart take me wherever it wants to go, and not worry about it so much.

Trident, the wonder-fish

Trident is alive! ...barely :(

 

Somebody said he was taking good care of him. However, when I finally get over there to get Trident and the rest of my stuff... his tank was absolutely FILTHY!!! What's worse, I thought all the fish stuff would be in the bag with my stuff, and of course it wasn't. So all Trident has right now is his one jar of fish food and his tank.

Look at what I managed to suction out of the tank with my limited supplies:

 

Eewwwww >.<  Yeah, that whole jar is water I syphoned from the bottom of the tank. The tank may still look dirty, but it was much worse before I took all THAT out.

 

I'd sure like to have the gravel pump, tank scrubber, extra fish food, and fish training kit too. I was kinda expecting that to be with the fish, but I'll get that some other day. Just having Trident back has taken a huge weight off my chest!

Oh well, I'm so happy he's in good hands now! And for all the fish stuff I might not be so good at, I'm getting some helpful advice from a certain awesome fishy expert! [Fishy as in fish-related, not fish-smelling XD]

Nightmares and daylight depressers

I haven't been sleeping well.

And it's been exceptionally embarrassing because I've been sleeping in rooms with other people. Meaning other people have to put up with my midnight sleep-talking... and even whining and whimpering from nightmares.

I don't trust my subconscious to refrain from doing or saying weird things. I guess the one night I said my ex's name a few times, and last night I was whining and moaning in my sleep [keep your mind out of the gutter >.<]. I remember having quite a few bizarre dreams, but I can't recall many details. They were all quite vivid, in color, with sound, and from my perspective.

And now everyone's just lounging around and I'm in the mood to get something done! I want to start working on my cosplay or something, but I just can't shake this nasty feeling in my stomach. There's been so much on my mind, not just issues dealing with my ex, even though that's been a main topic of my posts.

Aaaand I'm starting to get sick of the 24/7 Skyrim playing.... >.>

I just feel so blah and so worthless right now. I feel like I contribute nothing to the people I care about, let alone any sort of contributions to society. It seems like everything that could go wrong IS going wrong. I'm frustrated that I'm so ready to get my stuff and I cant even get a ride. Not having a car sucks. The bunny keeps getting worse and worse and that's heartbreaking too. The mouse keeps escaping and I feel cruel keeping him in the coffee can alone.

And then there's men. Those confounding, curious creatures. As much as I want to be loved again and move on with my life, I must be wary and cautious. The online dating experience has taught me many things. There are lots of perverts on the internet, who are only interested in one thing. There are many guys out there who are lonely and seriously want a relationship with another person. There are men who feel jaded by past loves. There are men who play games, just as some women might. There are men completely inexperienced in love and romance. From reading books, there are also men who are interested in necrophilia, cannibalism, vampirism, murder, torture, and other freaky things.

The problem is discerning who a man really is and what his intentions really are. No person will fit into one category perfectly, and no person can probably ever fully be "decoded". I even find myself wondering what it is I really want. I know I still feel wounded. But I feel so lost and confused. I wont let myself get hurt again, but I'm also afraid that my confusion might end up hurting myself and others too, anyway.

What do I do? What in the world can I do?

Some people never change

I thought my ex was finally starting to be civil about our breakup and act mature for once when he started texting me back about getting my stuff. Nope, not in the least. He's still being really immature and acting all angry about it, which... I never did anything in the first place.

I never cheated, I contributed to food purchases, food cooking, (cleaning especially), I took care of him when he was sick, I fed his cats, I was always there for him. He's the one that broke up with me, broke my heart and all. I just don't understand why he's being all angsty about it, acting like it was a terrible relationship. Honestly, I think his friends are putting ideas into his head. For a first relationship, lasting three years, it was pretty damn good. I'm going to look back on those years as some of the best and worst of my life. Years from now, I'd like to be able to look back fondly and think "I remember my first love... and see how I've grown since then!" But the way he's acting about everything just makes me feel like... was he this huge deuche this whole time? And I'd like to think... no. He started hanging out with different people, and he changed. And I guess his new deuchey attitude about things proves it.

And the worst part is that I'm still letting it upset me! I did nothing wrong, and if he would be mature about things and honestly tell me if I did something to upset him, things might be different. Who cares? Maybe I'm being just as passive-aggressive by ranting about it on my blog. But he really has changed. We used to discuss how no matter what, we always wanted to be friends. I'm more than willing to try being friends with him, but I guess he has other plans pretending that I was just such a horrible girlfriend. Cool.

Just don't start to regret things when I find somebody else to care for. Cause boy, you're never gonna have a second chance at this. I deserve to do better than someone like you. I deserve someone who will be HONEST and OPEN with me and not take me for granted.

But whatever. I'm taking the goddamn fish. He'd probably just feed it to one of his cats anyway.

So here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to find a day that I can get my stuff. After that, I will stop talking to him. That way, I can remember the good times and move on with my life and not worry about him, even though I do worry about him. I'm willing to bet hard cash that he's going to put himself in situations with certain "friends" of his that's really going to get him in trouble. I can't keep being concerned about someone who thinks so lowly about me.

Curse my damned heart! If that's the one part about myself I hate most, it's my heart. I will love and care for people to the point where my own health and wellness runs thin. I just can't NOT care. Like I've said before. I might act weird and antisocial around people sometimes, but... I can't not care. Any time I see someone sad, suffering, depressed... alone... I think on my own experiences. I've been there before. I know how much it sucks. And it just fills me with this overwhelming need and urge to do everything humanly possible I can.

At the same time, sometimes I get really irritated when people or friends of mine get whiny about superficial things. But usually when this happens I try to keep it to myself. Okay, so you got a laptop for christmas instead of an iPad, iPhone, iPod, and PS3 you wanted. I'm sorry, I can't feel sorry for you. There are people living on the streets without food, and you're going to complain about that?

This makes me realize I'm being a superficial and whiny too. So I got dumped and now he's acting like a jerk, while "pretending" to be civil to my face. Big whoop. I need to just shut up, smell the roses, and go help an old man cross the street.... or something like that. I need to stop crying over spilt milk that has a nasty-ass smell, while sometimes intermingling with an oddly pleasant stench. 

Girl, shut up, stand up, and start living your life. Life starts first with a change in thought, then a change in behavior and attitude. Yeah. I'mma gonna start on my cosplay, and make one hot raichu! <3

Analysis of Pachelbel's canon in D Major

This song. I could listen to this over and over again.
There's no lyrics, but this song definitely sends chills down my spine and fills me with such emotion.

Backstory: This song is traditionally played at weddings. Some people I know are sick of this song, namely one of my roomates. She plays the violin and she is tired of playing this song for people. XD

Begin song
It starts off soft. Like sitting on a bench, enjoying a sunny day with a gentle breeze. Children are dancing in the flowers in the park. I'm filled with a feeling of peace and freedom, like my spirit transforms into a child and goes off to play with them in the meadow. The sun is bright and shining and the colors are magnificent. The trees sway in the warm breeze. My hair blows about as I run through the meadow, laughing and giggling, but there is silence. We lay in the flowers for a rest, sharing stores, heart to heart, staring up at the brilliant blue sky. Brilliant white clouds drift by. We get up and start playing again. I spin around and around with my arms spread out, face up to the sun. I spin faster and faster, and my heart is lifted almost as if I myself am flying up into the brilliant sky. Up in the clouds its cooler, calm, I drift gently along enjoying the light and the bliss. There's nothing standing in my way to happiness. Everything is pure bliss. At the end of this magnificent vision, I open my eyes, back to sitting on the park bench. But, I'm still filled with that exuberant feeling of happiness and peace.

Okay, there goes my weird descrition of my song vision. That's probably got nothing to do with the song, but it always does give me that odd combination of peace and bliss within my chest. It makes me feel so good... so home... Makes me think, maybe I do deserve to be happy. Or maybe, it doesn't matter why I'm here. I'm here, and I can do whatever I want with my life. That knowledge in and of itself fills me with an exuberant freedom.

I'm always so hard on myself because I'm afraid of failure. I'm afraid of disappointing the people I love. I am afraid to become a person unworthy of love. I don't like to be pushed around by other people, so I put a lot of pressure on myself. I push myself to get nearly perfect grades because I know I wont be able to afford college otherwise.

Well, I hope that wasn't too weird. I wouldn't let myself erase anything. It was almost like a stream of consciousness.

--->insert chainsaw noises<-----

Although I'm a bit terrified by the noises, the big BOOM that I just felt, and the man yelling, I feel like today is going to be a great day. Maybe even the start of a great week.

So I figured since it seems like now there are like... up to two people that actually read this... maybe I should spice things up with some wacky blog topics instead of rambling on about my woes and misfortunes. I could try using some of these ideas maybe: 100 Blog Topics I Hope YOU Write.

But seriosuly, you gotta hear this chainsawing outside. It's freaking me out a little bit....

Ahhh. That's better. Check out this song, it's pretty epic - > Hatsune Miku - Neko ni naritai (I want to be a cat)

I'm actually hoping to learn the lyrics and try singing it for myself, even though I suck at singing. I tried it on my mic yesterday and it turned out sounding pretty unusually good! It was like, singing in the shower quality!!!!

Story of the fish at the top of my blog: It's supposed to represent my fish, Trident, and I gave him a girlfriend too, so he wouldn't be lonely. I've really been missing my fishy Trident recently. He was the fishy that I won at a festival earlier in the spring of this year. Yep, a carnival gold fish. I take fish parenting very seriously, so I made sure to run out and get a tank and stuff for him. Fortunately for me, the Salvation Army had a complete, small awesome tank for only 99 cents! I really miss my fish right now. Currently his "father" has custody. He doesn't even clean the stupid tank. I feel so stupid for getting so emotionally attached to that fish. I don't think he'd let me take the fish even if I said something. Plus there's the whole dorm room thing, and the fact that I already have mice. I even bought a fish training kit for him!

Dammit, I am NOT getting teary-eyed over a stupid fish. If I'm really going to let my ex keep him, maybe I should at least make him pay me back for all the equipment. Which I paid for. Because I actually have jobs, and actually care about my pets. He's probably lonely being in that little tank alone.

Okay, just finished messaging my ex. Tomorrow is the day I will finally be done with this whole mess. I'm going to go pick up the rest of my stuff. I'm still going to worry about his mom, and maybe him a little, but at least I wont be worrying about my stuff. I asked about Trident, he says I can take him if I really want. I love that fish. But I don't know what to do about taking care of him. What do I do about him? He's been taking care of the fish, and I don't know if I can really take him back and forth to school with me.

Dammit, I'm crying over a stupid fish.

Another reason I want trident: I don't want my ex to have any memory of me. I want to erase myself completely from his life, not giving him any part of me to hold onto. He let me down and now he doesn't deserve to have any part of me, either object-wise or emotional-wise. I still worry about his family, I often find it hard NOT to care about people that pass through my life. I care about random people I talk to on the internet who give me their sob stories. Sure, it hurts, but what hurts most is knowing there's nothing I can humanly do for most people to ease their pain.

Now, I myself don't see the fish as a reminder of my ex. My fish is just... awesome as he is. Yeah, when he was adopted I was hoping for this to be our first pet together, but... I dunno, I think it's just part of my pet thing. I love anything without a human conscience because they generally love you no matter what. People are trickier. They can love you one minute and the next, they "just don't have the same feelings anymore". Part of the reason I think it'd be great to be a cat. I could love and love and love without having to worry about being an emotional whore, and people would love me because I loved them. I mean, for me at least, I don't think I've ever hated a cat that wanted to make friends with me. Quite the opposite; I love the attention! If only we lived in a world where love wasn't so complicated. Relationships too. I guess a relationship is like having a pet, you pour all this money and love into it, but no matter what they're gonna die eventually. It hurts for awhile, but then you get a new pet and heal.

Maybe someday, someone will adopt this stray kitty.

Okay, so, sorry for having another depressing whiny post. I have no idea what else to say for now. If you're reading this, please post a comment with some blog topic ideas! The quirkier and upbeat, the better! 

 

I'm done.

I'm done with men. Really. I am.

I'm done letting those creatures make me cry. I'm done letting them get under my skin, confuse me, hurt me.

I just want to punch something right now.

I can't believe I let this happen. I can't believe I'm so stupid and needy. I can't believe I'm foolish enough to keep letting myself get hurt and frustrated and upset so easily. I can't believe I let other people push me around or try to pressure me, even if its in ways that might be beneficial to me in the long run.

Okay, so having a few minutes of "quiet time" in the bathroom helped. Got some of those nasty emotions out of my system without having to embarrass myself by making a scene.

I think maybe the problem is just that I'm having social overload. I've been visiting so many new people with Flower and Fabio, and I've been in almost constant human social contact (except when I sleep... hell, even THEN there's been too much socializing!) I miss having some alone time, to just be... me. Being around people I don't know freaks me the fuck out and really drains me.

And I'm just tired of letting people try to force me into things out of my control. I need SOME sort of control in my life. I know I'm not perfect, but I feel like everyone keeps trying to point out the imperfect parts of me that are OUT OF MY CONTROL. That's so not cool. I need constructive criticism. But dammit if you're going to say things that dont serve any sort of purpose then you can just leave me the hell alone.

I'm going to end this post with an admission. I can't wait to meet a man that understands the way women think and feel, or at least one who is willing to learn. They probably don't exist, but that's okay.

Christmas Eve Shenanigans

I'll start off with a statement of undeniable truth: I love spending time with my crazy family.

True, I might have my laptop out while our evening activities are winding down, but I did just show my father how to use facebook, so I can't say I'm not being social.

Like I mentioned in an earlier post, I came over to my cousin Lisa's place for Christmas eve food and fun. We always arrive pretty early (compared to other relatives of ours) so I got to enjoy the first pick of the h'orderves. My mother makes the best spinach dip ever and puts it into a scooped-out loaf of pumpernickel bread. It's absolutely amazing. Then there's also the stuffed mushrooms, yummy meatballs, christmas cookies, and of course the "mixed drinks". I can't wait until next year, when I can enjoy the alcoholic beverages my family always offers, without worrying that my family thinks I'm obsessed with alcohol. (I've only ever had alcoholic beverages here and one other place.)

Often when we have little family gatherings over here, we play left-right-center with quarters. At Christmas eve we play LRC with presents! Everyone supposedly brings a $5 gift or something wrapped up to use for the game, and we go around the circle 3 times, everyone ends up with a present. This year I almost ended up with an emergency light (which I was going to use the flashing red emergency light for a makeshift rave XD). It plugged into a cigarette lighter so I had to find something else :( Buuuut! From the leftover presents that no one won/wanted I found an awesome magnetic sculpture. It's one of those things you put on your desk with a big magnetic base and little metal pieces that you can move about on top. It's freaking awesome! If I can get my initials spelled out, I'll upload a picture.

An old Christmas eve tradition we used to partake in, when myself and my other cousins were a bit smaller, was going over to one of my aunts house. She has 3 kids, a girl about my age, and two boys, one about 2 years older and one about 2 years younger than me. There'd be this "Santa sleigh" that came around and Santa gave out presents to each kid [The parents gave the gifts to them ahead of time]. This is how I got most of my pokemon games, most notably Crystal. That was the best game ever. I still love that best out of any Pokemon game I ever played. But we don't do it anymore because me and my cousins are older now.

So I just told my father about how much fun the Chanukah party was. We ate tons of delicious Jewish food. Watched How I Met Your Mother, the Sarah Silverman show. Played Pictionary, Life, and Dreidel with chocolate coins. It was a pretty fun evening. I felt bad though that it ran a lot later than expected and I think I disappointed some people.

Well, I'm going back to enjoying the Christmas eve shenanigans. Merry Christmas to the empty interwebs, or perhaps the very few people that actually read this. XD

Edit: Oh my god, we're playing Catchprase. Things are getting exciting now XD

Tis the season

Life is too short to keep letting myself get hurt by a certain somebody.

I'm going to have to gird my loins (whatever the hell that means) and enjoy my singlehood this Christmas. Sure, I know I'm gonna get looks and questions from certain relatives. I'm sure everyone in the family must know by now, most of them were probably to the point of wondering when he would finally propose (lol, like he'd actually do something like that.)

Despite my unease about my situation this year, I am very excited to get together with the entire family again. My dad's side of the family is full of fun crazy people. Christmas eve will be spent with a good cousin of mine and a few other close relatives. Her daughter is just the sweetest little girl in the world. She's only 7 but damn is she smart. She was talking to me about Darwin the other day (which made me super happy considering biology is one of my favorite things to talk about.) She absolutely adored my ex, which is another thing I'm ouchie about. I could tell she was disappointed when I showed up to Thanksgiving dinner without him. Hey, at least that Thanksgiving got me a free camera from my Aunt (who never liked my ex anyway XD).

I usually don't enjoy socializing and big parties, but I always love going over to my cousin's house. Another thing I look forward to is the huge family Christmas party every year, the day after Christmas. So many relatives show up, I don't even know half of them. I'm so glad I've finally graduated from the children's category - the kids have to put on antlers and bibs and sing Christmas songs to entertain the older folk.

If there's one thing everyone in my extended family has in common, it's a love of food. So I always enjoy stuffing my face with amazingly awesome Christmas foods and such. It's so nice compared to my daily college meals of easy mac and ramen.

Well, I'm off now to a friend's Chanukah party. What is a Chanukah party? I have no idea. I know it's Jewish and there will be free food and games. That's all the reason I need to go!

Epiphany from a rude 4am text awakening

I know why people cry. It's not pain, sadness, or grief, but simply confusion.

I have cried several times throughout my life. Think about it, children often cry the most, as they are still learning to understand the ways of the world. As they grow older, they cry less and less because they begin to understand life better.

I often cried throughout junior high because I was bullied frequently. I cried because I was hurt and didn't understand why I was being put through all this misery. I've cried when my beloved pets have died. I cried when my ex started acting weird and I felt hurt and confused because I didn't know what was going on.

Pain can be explained through confusion too. Your nerves and brain are overloaded with impulses saying "WTF is going on???", potentially causing screams and/or tears.

And all this dawned on me after being rudely awoken at 4am by my ex finally texting me back about when to pick up the rest of my stuff. I messaged him 4 days ago... at 1 in the afternoon. What a buttmuncher....

Date?

*panicpanicpanicpanic* I DID NOT SIGN UP FOR THIS *panicpanicpanicpanic*

A New Start

I'm honestly getting a little sick of myself being so lonely, so lets move on to other subject matter.

Today I'm starting a little work-out routine. Crunches to get my abs nice and flat, something to tone my massive thighs, and a little bit of DDR cardio/calorie burning.

I also get to start training for my winter job today. I get to watch my friend Flower do her job so I can do it too and earn some lovely monies!

In other news, Kim Jong-il has died a few days after I wrote my paper on North Korea. That weirded me out at first. I hope things can start improving for North Koreans. After that nightmare I had, it's made me feel pretty empathetic towards them. Life is like a living hell. I might be alone, and living at a good friends' place, but at least I have a job, food, shelter, and I'm not constantly living in fear.

I need a cuddle buddy. It's so cold in here. @_@

What do I need?

So I've been considering if I should give up on men altogether. I hate these stupid little gender/flirting games. And when I do like somebody, it just makes me all nervous and stupid. And if I don't like someone, and they're like super overly flirting, sometimes I find it a bit annoying.

What's it like to date a girl? I wonder.

Ehh, I don't think I could ever date a girl. I commend all the guys and gals out there who can. I have enough PMS for any relationship. XD

Nah, I feel like I really need to learn to stand tall on my own two feet. I'd like to find a man with certain qualities: has a job, drives a car, fun to talk with, interested in me, solid in his foundations, has self-confidence but not a super ego-head, looks decent (I'm not too picky, of course everyone wants someone super attractive.). Okay so... the list could go on and on. Well, lets see where life takes me.

Flirting 101, where do I sign up?

So, as I attempt to start my 9-page paper that's due tomorrow on life in North Korea, I can't help but find myself distracted by other things. I talked to somebody last night about relationship things, where to go from here, stuff like that. It put a lot on my mind. I need to figure out what I want from here. What do I want? I'd like to date somebody and maybe, if things go right, fall in love again.

There is, in fact, someone that I'm vaguely interested in. Unfortunately, I don't know if he feels interested in me at all, and I'm a fail at dropping hints. How do I show that I'm interested without being too forward and chasing him off? Maybe my interest is misplaced? Probably. I'm pretty sure I'm just lonely and stressed out by exams.

Maybe I'm getting a bit ahead of myself. We've only been talking for so long, I've only been single for a few weeks. This guy is pretty cool, and I don't want to jump into anything before I'm ready. What am I talking about, he's probably not even remotely interested in me. But, he's like the only guy, who hasn't pressured me to add him on Skype or give him my phone number or anything. He's one of the few to not constantly bring up sexual things, and when they are, it's in good taste and not quite so vulgar.

I just... unlike all the other many several millions of dudes who message me (and I really do apologize that I cannot be kind and courteous to all of them), I really sorta feel like I want to impress this guy. I want him to be interested in me. He's easy to talk to, but I still find myself getting embarrassed over silly things.

Great, now I know for a fact that I've already started sounding really stupid talking to him because now I'm embarrassed to be my completely honest self. Now that I'm all flustered by this, I'm going to throw myself into this god-forsaken paper like a whirlwind.

Men and Love: Romeo, where the heck are youuu?

Just a note before I begin, the more I think about it, the more I realize how stupid my ex has become. Or perhaps I was just blinded by his silky locks of flowing hair? He always claimed to be so smart and skilled in psychology, and yet he seems to forget the simplest psychological teachings. I'm no psychology expert; I've only taken two courses in college, but I feel like I'm smarter about the more practical aspects of it than he ever was.

Let's talk about Love.

There are several types of love, even just within the category of non-platonic love. There are several different theories about love proposed by different psychologists, and I'm going to discuss each of them, and how they relate to my life being better off without Master Ego. (That's going to be my code name for ex until I can come up with something more interesting.)

Lee's 6 Styles of Loving

According to John Lee, there are 6 types of love:
1. Eros - passionate and physical love (fades quicky)
2. Ludus - love that's played like a game (may have more than 1 partner)
3. Storge - affectionate love resulting from a close friendship
4. Pragma - Realistic and practical love, driven by head not heart
5. Mania - obsessive/possessive love with many highs and lows (often experienced by teens)
6. Agape - Selfless love (spiritual)

My relationship with Master Ego was primarily Storge, with increasingly components of Mania. (We took awesome psychological self-evaluations quite frequently in that class.) Originally being introduced in my sophomore year of highschool, I was so painfully shy and afraid of him that we only went on one or two dates I think. My good friend introduced us to each other when she brought him to a school dance (of course he was from a different school, it was an all-girls highschool!) Anyway. We went to a movie, Resident Evil 2. He, for some reason, thought my hair was red... And then later, talking online some weeks later, he kept asking to go out again, and I was too scare of him, so we decided to just stay friends. We spent the next year talking to each other online, as very good friends. Then late in the summer, I don't know why, but what might have been a little flirting turned into a LOT of flirting. So we decided to try going out again. This time, it lasted over 3 years. There was really hardly any "passionate" love. I mean, we were normal horny teenagers, but we moved at a snail's pace. I think it took quite a few dates for our first kiss. XD And most of our dates consisted of hanging out at his house. He had no car, no job, no license. Oh, wow, he's still the same 3 years later.

So our love was mostly based on Storge. We were very understanding and accepting of each other. He's cried on my shoulder, I've cried on his. I thought it was a happy and satisfying relationship. But I guess he didn't. He, as a self-proclaimed psychology master, should know of all people that we hadn't really had a ton of passion in our relationship for a looooong time. It was more of a friendship love. I thought we had grown to love and accept and trust each other. But I was proven wrong.

Honestly, I know now that he's one of those "I want to have fun with my buddies acting like a jackass college guy and I think I'm hot shit so I'm going to break up a wonderful relationship with my faithful girlfriend to go after whores who will fawn over my hot chainmaille and will probably cheat on me after they find out I have no interest in banging them."

Whew. Well, there goes my attempt at talking about love. And I just ended up talking about my relationship again. I need to stop, but it feels good to get it off my chest and onto the interwebs. If any potential interest of mine happens to come upon this, I feel no shame or regret. This has been my first and only relationship thus far, so of course it's had a huge impact on me. Do I hate Master Ego? No, I'll always care about him as I do for any person who has passed through my life. But I honestly think he's made, and will continue to make some foolish decisions in his life. I hope he has a happy life, but it's his life. He can live it or fuck it up as he pleases. Besides, my Romeo is out there somewhere <3

So What - I'm Still a Rock Star

Alright, well, finally heard from the ex. We had a nice, quaint conversation over the phone. Talked about how he was doing, especially with his family life, and I talked about how I was doing. We discussed that it'd be nice to try being friends. What pissed me off is when I mentioned that he was selfish when he picked the worst time to break up, since it pretty much left me homeless with nowhere to go. He got all offended, saying nothing he ever did was selfish (110% lie. Especially IN BED.). So he hung up on me in a huff.

And now I know for certain that he has the ego of a fucking whale. I still feel like I should be friends with him, because I could really use his help, having a male brain, knowing which kinds of guys to stay away from. And now that I think about it, I think I was happier when we were just friends; from now and when we were dating, he was lacking quite a few very important good relationship habits and such.

He didn't have a job, so I paid for most of the dates (for the BOTH of us). He didn't have his license or a car, and neither did I, so we had to get rides from other people. He never seemed very interested in kissing and romantic, intimate activities. He had a huge ego and was always hurting me, and ditching our date plans to hang out with a friend (who hardly ever showed up for their "buddy hangouts"). There were good times too, but most of those were when we were out having fun together, mostly just being cute and friendly together. Our relationship was very much like a puppy love, and I had always known that it was lacking some maturity to it that he didn't seem to want to change. 

So now, after talking to a few nice guys (and some weirdos) on the web, and especially my friends, I've realized (again) that maybe I am good person deserving of a better person and a better relationship.  If it was really meant to be, he would have had a different attitude about it. I was in it for the long haul, but I guess he wasn't. Maybe someday he'll change and realize what he's lost, but I'm not about to sit around and wait. I'm going to take some time for myself, planning and preparing, and then I'm gonna go out there and find the guy of my dreams. It might take me several tries, several more heartbreaks,  but I'm not giving up.

I'm gonna find someone who will appreciate it when I cook pancakes for him, make tea, take care of him when he's sick. A man who will take me out and treat me every once in awhile, and not get all insulted when I offer to go dutch. Someone who will let me have some independence, but also find me irresistible. Someone who wont treat me like trash. Someone who likes to talk about things, spend time cuddling while watching movies, going for long walks in the woods or on the beach, and treat me kindly. I know he's out there somewhere....

Nothing Left to Lose: How to not fuck up your relationship

Love can be a terrifying and beautiful thing. When you find that one amazing person that makes your life so much better, that shares such happy memories with you, that you'd do anything for; it's a wonderful experience. The pain of losing a person like that is just as painful.

One thing I've learned about love, in my 3 years of experience with the Kaab, is that there are certain things concerning it that you have to be careful about. I'm just going to go through a short list of what were the top ones for me, but another's experience might be different.

Forgiveness is absolutely necessary

I dont think we would have made it this far if we hadn't worked together to solve issues, and forgiven each other for silly things. Even bigger things, sometimes it's harder, but if you can find it in your heart to forgive the other person, it can be wonderful for strengthening a relationship, as long as both partners are working together.

Insecurity, Jealousy, Naivety can lead you to cause pain to your significant other

I was so afraid of losing him a month ago. I became really paranoid and insecure. I cried almost nightly because I didn't understand what was going on and my heart was freaking out. He was acting differently and distant and that just made me become some crazy insane girl that needed to call him constantly, beg for reassurances, wanting to keep our relationship the way it was. Life is not static, and I know that now. Which leads to my second point.

Always keep an open mind; acceptance is the key to a good relationship.

So the Mr. finally revealed to me what the big secret was, and I freaked out because I still didn't quite understand it. I didn't understand what was going on, and I didn't understand how he could lie to me for a year about it. I felt so hurt. And because of that, I lashed back at him, unintentionally. My heart was just a quivering mess, so it just kept freaking out, trying to cling onto him, yet at the same time push him away. Even over after a week of the incident, I was still poking at his soft spot about it. I had turned into a supreme bitch. So now I find I'm no longer as hurt or surprised that he told me so plainly that he no loner felt the same way about me anymore. He said he had changed. And even when he said that, my heart was still so scared that it just kept denying and denying that he had changed. Had I been a better partner, I would have accepted him no matter what and not caused him this pain, especially during such a rough time in his life. What a fool I've been.

But not anymore.

Since I've finally taken a step back from my relationship and seen these things for myself, I realize what a terrible person I've become. This boy may be changing, maybe becoming more of a jerk, maybe just becoming different. It doesn't matter to me anymore. I don't care how many times he changes, he will always be the boy my heart chose to devote itself to, and every time he changes it just makes me want to get to know him better and fall in love with him all over again. He's probably past ever having feelings for me again, but I still have to try. I have to apologize and see if I can get through to him.

I have nothing left to lose.

Love's a Bumpy Road

The boy I fell in love with, spent 3 happy years with, dumped me about two weeks ago.

And I was devastated.

I was just in such utter shock. I felt betrayed. I had spent the past 3 years of my life doing what I thought was everything I could to make him happy. He took me from the depths of an intense depression and gave me hope, meaning, purpose, and love. After 2 years, he gave me a place to stay and a warm bed to sleep in.

His reasoning was that he "still loved me and cared about me, but didn't feel the same way about me anymore". He said he had changed. He said it so... monotonously.  I tried to fight it for a day, trying to reason with him. I threw a bloody-ass temper-tantrum. I ran down the street, trying to get away from him and his crazy words. When he convinced me to come back inside the house, I got upset and cried and he tried holding me but I pushed him off and tried to run away again. And he kept grabbing me. I spent that last night sleeping by his side, crying myself to sleep. [I thought of the one time I cried in my sleep, and he rolled and wrapped his arms around me, soothing me with "Don't cry, Bunny".] The next morning, I brought all my stuff downstairs, his mom had this shocked look on her face and she asked what the hell was going on. I pointed to him, and he told her in the same monotonous voice he told me.

My mom came and picked me up. I tried spending a night in my house (which I should probably mention is practically unsuitable human housing), then went over to a good friend's place for the rest of break. I cried for one last night, but then her and her boyfriend talked some sense into me. I spent the rest of the week practically exploding with self-confidence and elation. I even joined an online dating website, not to date right away, but just to meet some new people.

The week of break ended, without a call from him, but having grown so much closer to my two friends. I returned to school. By now, its the end of this week and yet even more has changed within my heart. I started messaging with several men on the dating website. Some of them were pretty cool and really close to my ideal man. But all I could think of was him. I'd think of how similar some guys were to him, especially all the anime nerds. No one had hair as beautiful as him. I thought I was really interested in one guy at first, he messaged with me one night until 5 in the morning. I think he has now become uninterested, but I dont care.

I brought out the box. I took all the pictures that he had of us, and put them in a box. I even stole back the ring he gave to me that I threw in his room in a fit of emotional rage when he kept telling me it was over. I cried over the pictures. He hadn't talked to me in a week and a half by that point. We've shared so much together. He was my first everything. We'd talked so much about our future together. I thought he was the one.

About a month prior to this, we had a big fight. He had recently revealed that he'd been involved in something for about a year and didn't tell me. He said he was so afraid to. I know now that he was just afraid I'd hurt his ego. I reacted pretty badly, because it was something I considered to be dangerous. I was worried about him. I was worried that these people he was getting involved with were somehow influencing him in negative ways. I wish I could have told him, "I told you so", but I dont care about that anymore.

All my friends have been telling me to forget about him, he wasn't good enough for me anyway. I was hurting so much inside because my heart gave him everything. I left nothing in the dark. And I thought he accepted me for who I was. So I thought his rejection meant that he didn't think I was worthy of him anymore.

But I had a revelation last night. I was upset, and I couldn't sleep. So I grabbed the ring and held it in my hand under my pillow. It was... warm. Holding it caused this warm calming feeling to flow from the ring to my hand, down my arm, and to the rest of my body. It gave me a message not in words, but in my heart: It told me not to give up. It told me that he was hurting too. And that's when I realized how selfish I have been. He's been so worried about me still accepting him for this group that he's joined, and I blew it by being so upset, and later even slightly mocking him about it. And with that on top of his family issues right now, I think that cut a cord in him. I really damaged his ego, and he takes that way more personally than he should, but what matters is that I did not do my part in the relationship by accepting him no matter what. I now realize that no matter how much he changes, I will always love him. He will always be the most amazing person I have ever met. He will always be that one person that shines a light in the darkness for me. If he loved me enough to want to marry me, as hesitant as I've always been, I wouldn't hesitate in saying yes. These have been the best 3 years of my life, and he means so much more to me than I ever realized.

But this break-up has also done good things for myself and my spirit, even if I have been hurt. It's taught me that I am strong on my own, and that I can stand on my own two feet. I am beautiful, smart, loving, and I deserve happiness too. Within the past month I've gotten so anxious about our relationship, I was calling him several times a day. I now know that I dont have to be so dependant.

Now I am not going to seek to reconnect with him because I am too weak, but because I know in my heart that I have made a terrible mistake and hurt him greatly by betraying his trust in me. I want to reconnect because we spent 3 happy years together, working through any and all issues, and our bond was too important and too strong to let it just go so easily. He might really not have feelings for me anymore, and even so, I'm not giving up without a mature fight this time.

He says he has changed, but guess what bitches, so have I. I'm stronger, more determined, and I have learned from my mistakes. I wont let my pride get in the way of making things right. I love him so much, and sometimes you have to put your heart on the line, over and over again, to achieve happiness. I could really use another miracle right now, but for now, hopefully the ring will guide me. [Wow, Lord of the Rings, much? XD]

Love's a bumpy road, but if you just keep chugging along, you might just make your way through the tunnel to the other side.

And I'm fully prepared for him to say that he just wants to be friends. He said that from the beginning, that he'd still like to be friends. That might just be another lie, but I'm going to fight for it anyway. I don't even know if he'll respond to my message and give me a chance to talk to him, but I'm going to try. It might be just as futile as my tantrum the night he broke up with me, but I'm going to try.

There was a second time I had the ring in my hands, playing with it. I closed my hands around it, and I felt the urge to open my hands. I felt as though a pink lotus flower was blooming and gently prying my hands open, sprouting from the ring. It was very odd, but it gave me hope.  A lotus flower, according to Buddhist belief, represents purity and faithfulness, with pink being reserved for the highest of deities. To me, it's hope.