Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Being Perfectly Imperfect
From this day forward, I am going to accept myself for who I am. Imperfections and all. I'm going to continue writing my song >w< But this time, I'm making it for me!
There are parts of me that people know and love, there are the parts that few people know, and there are the parts that no one knows. I'm still struggling to accept the parts of me that I do not share with others for fear of rejection or being taken advantage of.
I need to figure out how to make the most of my attributes and talents and not put my energies into wasted efforts. For starters, I'm pretty sensitive to the pain and troubles of others. If I know someone is having a rough time, I find it hard not to feel their anguish and want to do everything I can to help. It's one thing to help bandage a fresh wound, and it's another to keep trying to resurrect a dead body. I can't believe I have been so goddamn stupid about my ex. Love really does make you blind. And everyone has been waiting around for me to come to my senses and I finally have. People change and adapt to the things life throws at them. Sometimes, nice people can become assholes. He pretends to be friendly and then he says really nasty thing to me, things totally out of character. I'm done trying to be friends, I have my own life to live, I cant waste my time worrying about him anymore. I have finally accepted that he chose to adapt in his own way (and become a douchbag in the process), and he's too far gone for me to do anything to help. I finally get it. It's like, I needed to be stabbed with a Zeus-sized thunderbolt through the heart to finally get it.
Someday I'll fully understand my limitations on how much of my life I can control and how far of a proximity I can go to help others. Empathy can be a wonderful thing, but it can also be a bitch. I'm both sensitive to the emotions of others and sensitive in the sense that I get hurt and confused easily. I hide myself away behind a mask of indifference.
I'm ashamed to even admit any more than that on blogger. >.< I guess I'm not the open book I thought I was. I usually don't withhold information when asked, but I wont readily give it out. People are generally too polite or afraid to ask anyway ^_^ So for the time being I remain the quiet odd girl who hardly speaks in class and for all you know, she could be totally boring or she could be like a secret agent or something! Maybe I have my own line of erotic novels written under a pseudonym, or a laboratory filled with genetic experiments. You'd never know. Bahahaha!
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On another note, I am so happy Trident is looking a little better today. Last night I was almost sure he was going to die, just sitting at the bottom of his tank not moving. Today he is still a little lethargic, but he is actually swimming around and ate some food. Whew! I've had enough deaths for awhile :/
I've always wondered about it, but how connected are people and their pets? Whenever I've felt sick or in a bad mood, most of the time my cats will come over and lay on or next to me. My dogs aren't as sensitive, but they'll do it occasionally too. Generally they're more likely to come over when I feel excited.
I sort of noticed that Trident and I went through a non-eating phase almost about the same time. And after the con, I've become ravenous again and I'm eating just fine. Except for that Sunday I came back, Trident has been eating more too! Maybe I'm just an open book with my emotions and they pick up on it easily. Hmm... curious!
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Fresh break
I think I have learned a lesson from Ohayocon. I know last night I wrote a post in a very upset state of mind, but right now I feel like a whole new person.
It's almost like dealing with a broken bone. If you break a bone, it hurts like fucking hell and you might try everything you can to lessen the pain, perhaps by holding onto the affected area or taking drugs or something like that. If it starts healing incorrectly, sometimes the break will need to be rebroken and then excrutiatingly forced into correct position for healing.
I think that's just what I needed.
Saturday night was probably the worst I've felt in months. I literally felt like my body and heart were being broken apart by the strength of my sobs. My ex acted like he had wanted to meet up at some point, on friendly terms, but every time he blew me off. And well, I'm pretty sure I got the whole story down last night, right?
But I woke up Sunday feeling okay. I put on my costume like a boss. I was planning on meeting up with someone for a pokemon panel, and fortunately this person was not a flake like my ex! It was a little weird meeting up with someone I had never met in person before but.. I had fun! The panel was hilarious, and I understood all the pokemon jokes XD I think next year I'm going to cosplay as the magikarp girl. I, uh, thought we were just being buddies but I guess I was too cute in my Raichu outfit. *sweatdrop* He kept saying how cute my outfit was and sort of tried asking me out on a date... XD I'm glad I normally don't attract so much attention, I mean it's great and all to be thought of as adorable and attractive, but it kinda sucks having to tell someone I'm sorry. What's wrong with being friends? ;_;
It did teach me some things though.
First, it taught me that I do not miss my ex. What I miss is feeling special to someone. I miss the excitement, the attention, the connection, the trust, (lol, the lust?), and love too. I felt so happy to be hugged by random con-goers, I felt happy to get compliments from guys and girls alike. And I also sort of like knowing I made someone nervous to talk with me because I was so cute. >w< [But at the same time, I still hold people out at a distance because I am afraid of letting them get close to me because I really don't have the strength to be hurt again.]
Spending just an hour or so with someone has proven to be a far better indicator of whether or not we'd get along than some statistics and lengthy conversations I've had on OkCupid in the early days. Maybe it's just pheromones or just that it's easier to tell with more senses involved than typing and whatnot. And honestly, it's really fucking awesome to hang out with random people at cons. It's great to hang out with good friends too... but sometimes they can get on your nerves or maybe they don't like any panels you want to go see.
My friend J and I had a lot of fun when we wandered around by ourselves and some guy started talking to us in the game room. He was really nice and spent a good amount of con time with us, especially her. I'm not sure if he was just really friendly or if he had something for her. XD Too bad he's not her type, but I think we were all enjoying each others' company anyway.
I do have some regrets from Con, but I am so happy that my experience was flipped by the last day! Pictures soon to come! :)
It's almost like dealing with a broken bone. If you break a bone, it hurts like fucking hell and you might try everything you can to lessen the pain, perhaps by holding onto the affected area or taking drugs or something like that. If it starts healing incorrectly, sometimes the break will need to be rebroken and then excrutiatingly forced into correct position for healing.
I think that's just what I needed.
Saturday night was probably the worst I've felt in months. I literally felt like my body and heart were being broken apart by the strength of my sobs. My ex acted like he had wanted to meet up at some point, on friendly terms, but every time he blew me off. And well, I'm pretty sure I got the whole story down last night, right?
But I woke up Sunday feeling okay. I put on my costume like a boss. I was planning on meeting up with someone for a pokemon panel, and fortunately this person was not a flake like my ex! It was a little weird meeting up with someone I had never met in person before but.. I had fun! The panel was hilarious, and I understood all the pokemon jokes XD I think next year I'm going to cosplay as the magikarp girl. I, uh, thought we were just being buddies but I guess I was too cute in my Raichu outfit. *sweatdrop* He kept saying how cute my outfit was and sort of tried asking me out on a date... XD I'm glad I normally don't attract so much attention, I mean it's great and all to be thought of as adorable and attractive, but it kinda sucks having to tell someone I'm sorry. What's wrong with being friends? ;_;
It did teach me some things though.
First, it taught me that I do not miss my ex. What I miss is feeling special to someone. I miss the excitement, the attention, the connection, the trust, (lol, the lust?), and love too. I felt so happy to be hugged by random con-goers, I felt happy to get compliments from guys and girls alike. And I also sort of like knowing I made someone nervous to talk with me because I was so cute. >w< [But at the same time, I still hold people out at a distance because I am afraid of letting them get close to me because I really don't have the strength to be hurt again.]
Spending just an hour or so with someone has proven to be a far better indicator of whether or not we'd get along than some statistics and lengthy conversations I've had on OkCupid in the early days. Maybe it's just pheromones or just that it's easier to tell with more senses involved than typing and whatnot. And honestly, it's really fucking awesome to hang out with random people at cons. It's great to hang out with good friends too... but sometimes they can get on your nerves or maybe they don't like any panels you want to go see.
My friend J and I had a lot of fun when we wandered around by ourselves and some guy started talking to us in the game room. He was really nice and spent a good amount of con time with us, especially her. I'm not sure if he was just really friendly or if he had something for her. XD Too bad he's not her type, but I think we were all enjoying each others' company anyway.
I do have some regrets from Con, but I am so happy that my experience was flipped by the last day! Pictures soon to come! :)
Ohayocon disaster
Ohayocon is going so-so, but right now I have a tangent to go off on.
Random guys at con are really cool.
They come up to me and give me hugs and tell me that my cosplays are adorable and ask to take my picture.
Guys I know very very well are all douchebags.
I ask an old friend if he'd like to meet up, since he's in the same con, it makes sense. And every time we try arranging something, he flakes off and never shows.
And the guys in between both categories, I'm not quite sure.
I'm always in need of more friends, but I don't want to find out that someone is totally apeshit crazy and going to end up hurting me more than benefiting each other. Yeah, sort of like how my one relationship went from great to "holy shit, this guy is doing almost everything he can to make me miserable." That feels pretty shitty.
I'm so ashamed of myself. I am still letting myself get hurt so easily.
And I feel like I've wasted my whole con. I'll admit, part of me wanted my ex to see my costume and how adorable I was so I could feel good about being seen as cute to other guys. And sure, I've gotten hugs from 44 people. But I didn't get to attend the masquerade. I didn't go to the Gaia online fun panel. I didn't get to sing Karaoke (even if I do suck at it). I got tired quickly and felt so lonely when I'd lose my friends and wander aimlessly down the hallways, at least until someone asked for a hug or a picture. It still felt lonely though, I'm not very good at making connections with new people. It takes me months and years to build up enough trust for other people to feel completely comfortable around it.
And with the best friend I've ever had treating me like this now... I really don't know if I will ever be able of trusting new people ever again. In particular men.
Sure, there were some good looking guys at Con. Well, good looking cosplays. Long hair to short hair ratio was nearly 1:1. But let's keep it at that. It feels nice for a cute guy to say you make an adorable Pikachu/Raichu, but that's as far as the connection is going to go. At a distance, guys are amazing and also frightening. Close up, it seems a majority of the ones I have gotten to know have turned out to be really horrible, immature, and douchebaggy.
Being hurt sucks. And the worst part is that nothing is in my control. Before con, I was so pumped up. I was so excited. But despite my best efforts, I let myself down. I got tired, frustrated, sad, lonely, confused, and scared. I was too afraid to shout out or ask for random hugs most of the time. Hugs from random people are nice, but it's hugs from people who really care about you that feel the best.
Having a good heart and body wrenching cry made me feel better, the kind that makes your whole body shake and your legs collapse because you just cant bear the weight of it all. And hugs and support from my friends helped too. I just don't want this to leave me damaged for life. I don't want to hate men, not all are bad (and the one in particular is still a boy, by almost any definition of maturity). I don't want to have issues trusting people, not everyone changes at the drop of a hat.
I just want to be me. I just want to be okay. I want to be stronger, and not let things hurt me so easily, but I don't want to give up my ability to care about others. I'd like to be cared about, I'd like to know that I'm not a total fail at life. I'd like for people to be honest with me.
Random guys at con are really cool.
They come up to me and give me hugs and tell me that my cosplays are adorable and ask to take my picture.
Guys I know very very well are all douchebags.
I ask an old friend if he'd like to meet up, since he's in the same con, it makes sense. And every time we try arranging something, he flakes off and never shows.
And the guys in between both categories, I'm not quite sure.
I'm always in need of more friends, but I don't want to find out that someone is totally apeshit crazy and going to end up hurting me more than benefiting each other. Yeah, sort of like how my one relationship went from great to "holy shit, this guy is doing almost everything he can to make me miserable." That feels pretty shitty.
I'm so ashamed of myself. I am still letting myself get hurt so easily.
And I feel like I've wasted my whole con. I'll admit, part of me wanted my ex to see my costume and how adorable I was so I could feel good about being seen as cute to other guys. And sure, I've gotten hugs from 44 people. But I didn't get to attend the masquerade. I didn't go to the Gaia online fun panel. I didn't get to sing Karaoke (even if I do suck at it). I got tired quickly and felt so lonely when I'd lose my friends and wander aimlessly down the hallways, at least until someone asked for a hug or a picture. It still felt lonely though, I'm not very good at making connections with new people. It takes me months and years to build up enough trust for other people to feel completely comfortable around it.
And with the best friend I've ever had treating me like this now... I really don't know if I will ever be able of trusting new people ever again. In particular men.
Sure, there were some good looking guys at Con. Well, good looking cosplays. Long hair to short hair ratio was nearly 1:1. But let's keep it at that. It feels nice for a cute guy to say you make an adorable Pikachu/Raichu, but that's as far as the connection is going to go. At a distance, guys are amazing and also frightening. Close up, it seems a majority of the ones I have gotten to know have turned out to be really horrible, immature, and douchebaggy.
Being hurt sucks. And the worst part is that nothing is in my control. Before con, I was so pumped up. I was so excited. But despite my best efforts, I let myself down. I got tired, frustrated, sad, lonely, confused, and scared. I was too afraid to shout out or ask for random hugs most of the time. Hugs from random people are nice, but it's hugs from people who really care about you that feel the best.
Having a good heart and body wrenching cry made me feel better, the kind that makes your whole body shake and your legs collapse because you just cant bear the weight of it all. And hugs and support from my friends helped too. I just don't want this to leave me damaged for life. I don't want to hate men, not all are bad (and the one in particular is still a boy, by almost any definition of maturity). I don't want to have issues trusting people, not everyone changes at the drop of a hat.
I just want to be me. I just want to be okay. I want to be stronger, and not let things hurt me so easily, but I don't want to give up my ability to care about others. I'd like to be cared about, I'd like to know that I'm not a total fail at life. I'd like for people to be honest with me.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Getting Stronger!
RIP Kuro-chan. :(
So not only do I wake up this morning with a throbbing sore throat, but I also notice that I have not seen one of my beloved mice for about a day. So I look through the cage.... RIP Kuro. :'( I was also disturbed to find half of her face eaten off by the other mice. As if I wasn't already mentally and physically ill enough.
If I'm this upset about my mouse, if Trident dies.... :'(
But that was earlier. Right now I am feeling good. Really good. I feel a surge of electricity and excitement, and a sense that this weekend is going to bring great things. I'm going to trust my intuition on this one. Despite the fact that I am feeling tired and achey and my throat is sore, despite the fact that I have tons of homework to do, despite the fact that my ex will be somewhere in the same convention center as me, this weekend is going to kick ass.
I. Just. Know it.
My cosplay is bitchin', if I do say so myself. Got it finished last night. But you can read all about that on my cosplay blog. I'm also still frustrated about pikachu. D: I must find my shorts and belt! Or else I just have to be Raichu... but I have to evolve. :( From Kawaii Pikachu to Sexy Raichu! DX
I will update my blog on Sunday when the Con is over. Or perhaps I'll bring my laptop to my friend's house, where we're staying because it's much closer to the con. I'm a little sad we sorta bailed on the hotel idea, but this is good because now I have more money. :3
OHAYOCON!! You better be ready for me!
Edit 5pm: FML FML FML FML FML!!! Ever have one of those moments where you suddenly know where something is? Well, I know where my belt and shorts are. Bad news, they're at home. A 2 hour drive from here. FML!!!!! Goddammit!!! Fuck! fuck! fuck! fuck! fuck!
So not only do I wake up this morning with a throbbing sore throat, but I also notice that I have not seen one of my beloved mice for about a day. So I look through the cage.... RIP Kuro. :'( I was also disturbed to find half of her face eaten off by the other mice. As if I wasn't already mentally and physically ill enough.
If I'm this upset about my mouse, if Trident dies.... :'(
But that was earlier. Right now I am feeling good. Really good. I feel a surge of electricity and excitement, and a sense that this weekend is going to bring great things. I'm going to trust my intuition on this one. Despite the fact that I am feeling tired and achey and my throat is sore, despite the fact that I have tons of homework to do, despite the fact that my ex will be somewhere in the same convention center as me, this weekend is going to kick ass.
I. Just. Know it.
My cosplay is bitchin', if I do say so myself. Got it finished last night. But you can read all about that on my cosplay blog. I'm also still frustrated about pikachu. D: I must find my shorts and belt! Or else I just have to be Raichu... but I have to evolve. :( From Kawaii Pikachu to Sexy Raichu! DX
I will update my blog on Sunday when the Con is over. Or perhaps I'll bring my laptop to my friend's house, where we're staying because it's much closer to the con. I'm a little sad we sorta bailed on the hotel idea, but this is good because now I have more money. :3
OHAYOCON!! You better be ready for me!
Edit 5pm: FML FML FML FML FML!!! Ever have one of those moments where you suddenly know where something is? Well, I know where my belt and shorts are. Bad news, they're at home. A 2 hour drive from here. FML!!!!! Goddammit!!! Fuck! fuck! fuck! fuck! fuck!
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Ok, enough with the aliteration weekdays :P It's just Wednesday. Regular Wednesday.
Things might be looking up!
After only having eaten a handful of raisins and an apple juice earlier today, I felt so good after my appointment that I ate almost an entire 700 calorie pizza! ^_^ I'm so happy, my belly feels so full and good and I don't feel nauseated yet! :D
*pumps self up more with Adam Lambert*
I've really got to come up with some quick solutions to my cosplay problems. Still can't find my black shorts for pikachu. :/ I've got to redo the entire pikachu tail anyway, and who knows how THAT will turn out. Raichu's tail is almost done, I think it looks okay, despite being clearly makeshift XD (or "makeshit" as I originally put it.). So now all that's left for Raichu are the ears and the cheeks. I also have to perfect my makeup plans >w<
Trident, on the other hand, looks like he might be worse today. He wasn't phased by his food either this morning or now. He looks like he's almost... what the hell??? He just coughed up a huge chunk of food and fish poo.... I'm really worried now... is he choking?? ;_; Trident, hang in there buddy!
I'm really hoping to rock it HARD at Ohayocon this year. I really hope the schedule comes out tomorrow so I can start planning all my panels and such. I'm not going to let my shyness inhibit my fun; I am going ALL out! For sure I know I'd like to attend the masquerade and the rave. I hardly did anything at last years ohayocon but this year will be different.
Goals for Ohayocon 2012:
Edit: So now I'm wondering if I somehow magically got mono. That would explain the fatigue. And why my throat now feels like it's being raked. -_-
After only having eaten a handful of raisins and an apple juice earlier today, I felt so good after my appointment that I ate almost an entire 700 calorie pizza! ^_^ I'm so happy, my belly feels so full and good and I don't feel nauseated yet! :D
*pumps self up more with Adam Lambert*
I've really got to come up with some quick solutions to my cosplay problems. Still can't find my black shorts for pikachu. :/ I've got to redo the entire pikachu tail anyway, and who knows how THAT will turn out. Raichu's tail is almost done, I think it looks okay, despite being clearly makeshift XD (or "makeshit" as I originally put it.). So now all that's left for Raichu are the ears and the cheeks. I also have to perfect my makeup plans >w<
Trident, on the other hand, looks like he might be worse today. He wasn't phased by his food either this morning or now. He looks like he's almost... what the hell??? He just coughed up a huge chunk of food and fish poo.... I'm really worried now... is he choking?? ;_; Trident, hang in there buddy!
I'm really hoping to rock it HARD at Ohayocon this year. I really hope the schedule comes out tomorrow so I can start planning all my panels and such. I'm not going to let my shyness inhibit my fun; I am going ALL out! For sure I know I'd like to attend the masquerade and the rave. I hardly did anything at last years ohayocon but this year will be different.
Goals for Ohayocon 2012:
- Hug at least 10 random people
- Play at least 3/4 of the games in the game room
- Go to the rave
- Go to the masquerade
- If there is a "pokemon in real life" panel, GO
- Talk to at least 10 random people
- Do not refuse any picture requests
- Do not allow yourself to be groped and/or let a creeper get a cleavage shot. Kick to the nuts is recommended for these situations.
- It'd be interesting to see a yaoi or hentai panel to see what they are like XD
- Actually, yeah, go to at least one yaoi panel. It'll do your soul some good. *nods*
- Look hot for myself.
Edit: So now I'm wondering if I somehow magically got mono. That would explain the fatigue. And why my throat now feels like it's being raked. -_-
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Turbulent Tuesday
I cannot believe that this baby-faced cutie is 29 years old. I thought he was 16. o.O Proof that men can look good with makeup. This beat kept me upbeat for a good part of the day.
On the darker side of things, today I have only eaten a handful of raisins and 3/4 cup of Ramen. My stomach is grumbling but I don't have the energy or appetite to eat. Psychological or Biological? I know I must have said this 100 times by now, but hopefully things get better after the stresses of the first few weeks of class and Ohayocon are over.
As for now, I'm going to try eating some ice-cream. Even though I already brushed my teeth and put in my retainer >.< Hahaha, what a dork you are, little kitten!
On the darker side of things, today I have only eaten a handful of raisins and 3/4 cup of Ramen. My stomach is grumbling but I don't have the energy or appetite to eat. Psychological or Biological? I know I must have said this 100 times by now, but hopefully things get better after the stresses of the first few weeks of class and Ohayocon are over.
As for now, I'm going to try eating some ice-cream. Even though I already brushed my teeth and put in my retainer >.< Hahaha, what a dork you are, little kitten!
Monday, January 23, 2012
Meeeeehhhhh Monday
Today has almost been the worst day of all. Today all I'd had to eat was half a can of peaches, kitkat bar, 3/4 a big piece of lasagna, and a few bites of ice-cream. In my evening Japan Inside Out class, I was almost afraid that I was going to pass out when I stood up.
It's only the second week of classes and I already feel like I'm falling behind. I hardly have any motivation to do the assigned readings. I'm still trying to finish my cosplay before Ohayocon this weekend; I have a feeling that going to Ohayocon will be good for me. I'll get to see lots of cool cosplays, have fun with my friends, maybe make some new random friends, and look cute in my own cosplays! :)
So for next year I'll need to make a Pichu cosplay so I can do Pichu-Pikachu-Raichu. <3 That will be fun.
On another note, I noticed something today after thinking briefly about twilight and some other romantic comedies. Why is there such a double standard for genders? If a guy leaves a girl and she still loves him and tries to get him back (AKA, Bella >.<), she's seen as desperate and pathetic (except by Twi-hards >.<). However, if a girl leaves a guy and he still loves her and tries to get her back (think many romantic movies), it's seen as totally romantic! What the hell?
It's like every day I find a new double-standard between the genders. It's okay for men to be sexually loose, but not girls. It's okay for men to drink and be loud, but not girls. I'm not saying that it's all unfair to girls though, no not at all. There are double standards against men too. For example, it's pretty normal if a girl cries in public but if a guy were to cry most people would say it's a little weird. I think it's perfectly acceptable for a man to cry.
I just think it's perfectly acceptable for a person to be human. No one is perfect. No one. You just gotta find that person who compliments your imperfections and even loves you FOR them. If we were born to be perfect, why are we all filled with this driving need to find love? purpose? happiness?
Who knows?
It's only the second week of classes and I already feel like I'm falling behind. I hardly have any motivation to do the assigned readings. I'm still trying to finish my cosplay before Ohayocon this weekend; I have a feeling that going to Ohayocon will be good for me. I'll get to see lots of cool cosplays, have fun with my friends, maybe make some new random friends, and look cute in my own cosplays! :)
So for next year I'll need to make a Pichu cosplay so I can do Pichu-Pikachu-Raichu. <3 That will be fun.
On another note, I noticed something today after thinking briefly about twilight and some other romantic comedies. Why is there such a double standard for genders? If a guy leaves a girl and she still loves him and tries to get him back (AKA, Bella >.<), she's seen as desperate and pathetic (except by Twi-hards >.<). However, if a girl leaves a guy and he still loves her and tries to get her back (think many romantic movies), it's seen as totally romantic! What the hell?
It's like every day I find a new double-standard between the genders. It's okay for men to be sexually loose, but not girls. It's okay for men to drink and be loud, but not girls. I'm not saying that it's all unfair to girls though, no not at all. There are double standards against men too. For example, it's pretty normal if a girl cries in public but if a guy were to cry most people would say it's a little weird. I think it's perfectly acceptable for a man to cry.
I just think it's perfectly acceptable for a person to be human. No one is perfect. No one. You just gotta find that person who compliments your imperfections and even loves you FOR them. If we were born to be perfect, why are we all filled with this driving need to find love? purpose? happiness?
Who knows?
Trident gave me a chu!
Trident just gave me a KISS! :D
I stuck my finger up against the tank, he looked wary at first, then swam up to it and gave it a little "MWAH!" >w< Ehehehe! I'm so happy now. <3
Maybe i should stop worrying so much about dating and, like, just be a crazy pet lady or something. Animals are soooo much better than people.
I stuck my finger up against the tank, he looked wary at first, then swam up to it and gave it a little "MWAH!" >w< Ehehehe! I'm so happy now. <3
Maybe i should stop worrying so much about dating and, like, just be a crazy pet lady or something. Animals are soooo much better than people.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Fish can get depressed, too.
I'm feeling remarkably introspective and clear-headed today.
I'm not sure if it's the shock I felt at seeing how flat my stomach was when I took a shower this morning, or the pain I felt when I noticed trident wasn't even phased by the food sprinkled into his tank... he just hovered there as it got pushed down by the filter and floated by him. Or perhaps its a combination of many things.
I never realized I could have so much in common with a fish. We've both been apathetic about food for the past week or so. We're both just apathetic in general, with occasional emotional outbursts/ freak outs. He's losing some scales and his golden color is becoming dull. He looks lonely. Maybe the two of us are just stressed out about feeling so displaced and homesick. Hang in there buddy, I know you're doing your best. I am too.
Also, today I noticed that he really likes music. My roommate was playing music in the shower, some classical, some real bass-y beats, and Trident was swimming and moving his fishy mouth along to the music! This fish has yet to cease surprising me!
I'm still worried about the both of us though. Sure, I've been having my good moods, jamming to music too, but there's still the appetite issue which I find very concerning. I've never liked the way girls look when they're super-skinny. I've never wanted to be like that. I've always thought women looked most beautiful in old paintings, with a little bit of meat on them but not "fat". I don't like feeling like I'm withering away to nothing.
I wish I could just become a bird and fly away from here. Or become a cat and prowl the streets until I found someone to take me home and love me. I miss the place where I grew up, I could just run into the woods and run and run and run until I found an escape from the feelings within my chest. There's no such escape here.
I'm not sure if it's the shock I felt at seeing how flat my stomach was when I took a shower this morning, or the pain I felt when I noticed trident wasn't even phased by the food sprinkled into his tank... he just hovered there as it got pushed down by the filter and floated by him. Or perhaps its a combination of many things.
I never realized I could have so much in common with a fish. We've both been apathetic about food for the past week or so. We're both just apathetic in general, with occasional emotional outbursts/ freak outs. He's losing some scales and his golden color is becoming dull. He looks lonely. Maybe the two of us are just stressed out about feeling so displaced and homesick. Hang in there buddy, I know you're doing your best. I am too.
Also, today I noticed that he really likes music. My roommate was playing music in the shower, some classical, some real bass-y beats, and Trident was swimming and moving his fishy mouth along to the music! This fish has yet to cease surprising me!
I'm still worried about the both of us though. Sure, I've been having my good moods, jamming to music too, but there's still the appetite issue which I find very concerning. I've never liked the way girls look when they're super-skinny. I've never wanted to be like that. I've always thought women looked most beautiful in old paintings, with a little bit of meat on them but not "fat". I don't like feeling like I'm withering away to nothing.
I wish I could just become a bird and fly away from here. Or become a cat and prowl the streets until I found someone to take me home and love me. I miss the place where I grew up, I could just run into the woods and run and run and run until I found an escape from the feelings within my chest. There's no such escape here.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Soppy Saturday: A rant on (immature/agressive) men
Random comment: I woke up this morning with a "V" on my chest. It doesn't look like a rash or anything, maybe I just slept extra squished and it made my skin form a reddish V or something.... maybe it's a sign? Lol! Maybe it means I need to eat more vegetables! XD
On another note, I'm tired of feeling hurt and abused by the men in my life. [I've never been physically abused though, calm yourselves.] Arguing is one thing, but then there's passive agressiveness that I just hate being the victim of. As of right now, there's 3 in particular that just drive me crazy. There's my father, who's always been like the whiny, angry, child. Complains to everyone about everything but wont do anything to solve the problem. He's never happy with anything. He never accepts fault or responsibility for anything. I understand that there is an issue in particular that he feels helpless about, and he is very frustrated by it, but he just keeps taking it out on others in a non-constructive or helpful way. I feel bad for my mom, that she has to put up with his constant tantrums and childish behavior. When I was living at home, we'd butt heads often. If there's anything I inherited from my father, it's his stubbornness. I wouldn't let him verbally bully me around; sometimes I'd withdraw to the safety and mindlessness of the internet, other times I'd have the strength to yell back and defend myself.
Then there's 2 friends of mine. The one I used to think was pretty well held together, but after spending a little more time with him I realized that he's got some of the same issues my father does. He doesn't like expressing his feelings and bringing up issues directly, he just holds it in and gets pissed off easy and expects everyone to be mind readers, or he quietly bitches about it behind people's backs. And like my father, he's a hypocrite and doesn't like to accept responsibility for his actions and demands respect and awe from others. Sure, he probably has some better qualities, but... I really didn't get to see many of them when I spent a lot of time around him and one of my best friends from highschool. The more time I spent with the two of them, the worse that it got. I'm a very reasonable person, and if anyone has a problem with me I have no problem trying to deal with the issue they are having. But it's a little hard to address things that are not presented to me in a direct, non-agressive manner. Okay, one thing in specific that really bothered me: I did my fair share of chores and paying for things, and I was still treated like a good-for-nothing bitch.
Then there's my other male friend. Haven't really talked to him very often for awhile, but damn, if I thought women had bad PMS, he's the prime male example of male PMS to the extreme. He's been angry and he likes to play the victim for things at which he's at fault, just so he can get attention. I understand that people can get weird when they go through some rough stuff, but like the twomen boys previous, this one doesn't like to bring up things directly either. He just keeps it in and lets out his anger and frustration towards others, and then socially whores himself out to OTHER people just so he can get attention. The only thing I can say that this one doesn't have that the other two do, is direct agressiveness. But well, among all the other PMS-y ness, that doesn't really save much face. Also, he's a Chimera. He constantly changes parts of himself and picks up on traits of others (usually not so desirable ones) in order to stay popular and have more attention. I think this stems from the fact that he used to be unpopular and lonely in elementary school and even a little in highschool. He was a kind, sane person back then, but now he just keeps changing and changing and throwing away friends who were loyal to him in those times. I probably dont need a friend like this, but I cant help but worry what will happen when this all comes crashing down on him. I dont feel good about the fact that his life is hell right now. But if he were a good friend, he'd care that I was going through a rough time too, wouldn't he?
Edit: I forgot the guy with which my friends set me up on a random date. He was really nice at first, and I had fun on our trip to the mall, but as I talked to him more I found out that he has some... communication issues? I still never really knew how he felt about things, he never really talked about it. I found out that he was very VERY confrontational about things after talking to him a little bit. And he'd complain when people got upset by his confrontationalness. He rustled my feathers accusing me that I'm not "independent" in any way since I don't have a car. When I'm on campus, I don't really need a car since everything is within walking distance. Ehh, whatever, it's all water under the bridge now. I should probably also mention that this person is good friends with friend-#1 listed above.
In all these cases, I wish I knew how to handle them properly. I know that no one is perfect, but damn, you'd think they'd know that too! Maybe it's just that I'm too sensitive and I need to not feel hurt so easily. I can't help it that I'm sensitive, but I do try to keep it all together. My stubbornness doesn't generally rear it's ugly head unless things get really bad. Maybe I really am a bitch and I'm just unaware of it. I know that sometimes I accidentally hurt other people with my lack of understanding or my confusion, but I never ever try to directly hurt someone out of spite. Even with my ex, I never did anything spiteful, and to this day I still do not understand why he came to hate me so much. I was the one who should have been mad, he hurt me and then made the clean-up process nearly impossible!!! There are STILL strings left untied.
In defense of the few good men out there, growing up I had a guy as my best friend. We met in kindergarten and stayed best friends until he left school in the 6th grade. We had a lot of fun together. We played Sims, watched movies, enjoyed videogames. I still like to think of him as my friend even if we dont really talk anymore. Then again, maybe he wasn't like the others as I later discovered he was bi, so maybe that was why he never was a deuchbag like all the straight guys in my life [but at this point I'm not positive on the orientation of friend-with-issues-#2. Though his occasional flamboyant behavior could just be to fit in with his few gay friends and girl friends.]
Edit: But yeah, not all guys are bad. :)
Ending random comment: I don't know if I ever mentioned this, but I've lived a somewhat unusual/dysfunctional life. Of course, I don't know many people who've lived "normal" lives, (except for the brats in elementary school who bullied me). Maybe one of these blog posts I'll give my entire boring life's story, but that would ruin any chances of me becoming published if I ever decide to write a memoir. XD
On another note, I'm tired of feeling hurt and abused by the men in my life. [I've never been physically abused though, calm yourselves.] Arguing is one thing, but then there's passive agressiveness that I just hate being the victim of. As of right now, there's 3 in particular that just drive me crazy. There's my father, who's always been like the whiny, angry, child. Complains to everyone about everything but wont do anything to solve the problem. He's never happy with anything. He never accepts fault or responsibility for anything. I understand that there is an issue in particular that he feels helpless about, and he is very frustrated by it, but he just keeps taking it out on others in a non-constructive or helpful way. I feel bad for my mom, that she has to put up with his constant tantrums and childish behavior. When I was living at home, we'd butt heads often. If there's anything I inherited from my father, it's his stubbornness. I wouldn't let him verbally bully me around; sometimes I'd withdraw to the safety and mindlessness of the internet, other times I'd have the strength to yell back and defend myself.
Then there's 2 friends of mine. The one I used to think was pretty well held together, but after spending a little more time with him I realized that he's got some of the same issues my father does. He doesn't like expressing his feelings and bringing up issues directly, he just holds it in and gets pissed off easy and expects everyone to be mind readers, or he quietly bitches about it behind people's backs. And like my father, he's a hypocrite and doesn't like to accept responsibility for his actions and demands respect and awe from others. Sure, he probably has some better qualities, but... I really didn't get to see many of them when I spent a lot of time around him and one of my best friends from highschool. The more time I spent with the two of them, the worse that it got. I'm a very reasonable person, and if anyone has a problem with me I have no problem trying to deal with the issue they are having. But it's a little hard to address things that are not presented to me in a direct, non-agressive manner. Okay, one thing in specific that really bothered me: I did my fair share of chores and paying for things, and I was still treated like a good-for-nothing bitch.
Then there's my other male friend. Haven't really talked to him very often for awhile, but damn, if I thought women had bad PMS, he's the prime male example of male PMS to the extreme. He's been angry and he likes to play the victim for things at which he's at fault, just so he can get attention. I understand that people can get weird when they go through some rough stuff, but like the two
Edit: I forgot the guy with which my friends set me up on a random date. He was really nice at first, and I had fun on our trip to the mall, but as I talked to him more I found out that he has some... communication issues? I still never really knew how he felt about things, he never really talked about it. I found out that he was very VERY confrontational about things after talking to him a little bit. And he'd complain when people got upset by his confrontationalness. He rustled my feathers accusing me that I'm not "independent" in any way since I don't have a car. When I'm on campus, I don't really need a car since everything is within walking distance. Ehh, whatever, it's all water under the bridge now. I should probably also mention that this person is good friends with friend-#1 listed above.
In all these cases, I wish I knew how to handle them properly. I know that no one is perfect, but damn, you'd think they'd know that too! Maybe it's just that I'm too sensitive and I need to not feel hurt so easily. I can't help it that I'm sensitive, but I do try to keep it all together. My stubbornness doesn't generally rear it's ugly head unless things get really bad. Maybe I really am a bitch and I'm just unaware of it. I know that sometimes I accidentally hurt other people with my lack of understanding or my confusion, but I never ever try to directly hurt someone out of spite. Even with my ex, I never did anything spiteful, and to this day I still do not understand why he came to hate me so much. I was the one who should have been mad, he hurt me and then made the clean-up process nearly impossible!!! There are STILL strings left untied.
In defense of the few good men out there, growing up I had a guy as my best friend. We met in kindergarten and stayed best friends until he left school in the 6th grade. We had a lot of fun together. We played Sims, watched movies, enjoyed videogames. I still like to think of him as my friend even if we dont really talk anymore. Then again, maybe he wasn't like the others as I later discovered he was bi, so maybe that was why he never was a deuchbag like all the straight guys in my life [but at this point I'm not positive on the orientation of friend-with-issues-#2. Though his occasional flamboyant behavior could just be to fit in with his few gay friends and girl friends.]
Edit: But yeah, not all guys are bad. :)
Ending random comment: I don't know if I ever mentioned this, but I've lived a somewhat unusual/dysfunctional life. Of course, I don't know many people who've lived "normal" lives, (except for the brats in elementary school who bullied me). Maybe one of these blog posts I'll give my entire boring life's story, but that would ruin any chances of me becoming published if I ever decide to write a memoir. XD
Friday, January 20, 2012
Friday fun
Hellz yeah, it's finally friday! I survived my first week of classes! And it's time for a Rebecca-Black-Themed celebration!
Feeling much better today. Morning classes went well. In Japanese class the professor asked everyone what we were doing this weekend, and somehow managed to say "I plan to make a Raichu cosplay". XD (Last year around this time I made a pikachu cosplay and even wore the hat to class once.) Did some cosplay sewing. I dropped my music class, so now I only have 4 classes total, and I'm really considering picking up the Japanese Sagan course that takes two weeks to Japan at the end of the semester.
Food-wise, I've managed to drink a hot chocolate, eat a shrimp ramen cup, half a cookie, and a bowl of rice crispies in milk. Success!
So excited for Ohayocon >w< ONE WEEK! I still have so much to prepare though! I need to be the cutest Raichu I can be!
Edit: Its time to get a new phone. I've noticed my current phone has been throwing temper tantrums by calling random people. WTF >.> Or I just need a keyguard that doesn't get disrupted by text messages.
Feeling much better today. Morning classes went well. In Japanese class the professor asked everyone what we were doing this weekend, and somehow managed to say "I plan to make a Raichu cosplay". XD (Last year around this time I made a pikachu cosplay and even wore the hat to class once.) Did some cosplay sewing. I dropped my music class, so now I only have 4 classes total, and I'm really considering picking up the Japanese Sagan course that takes two weeks to Japan at the end of the semester.
Food-wise, I've managed to drink a hot chocolate, eat a shrimp ramen cup, half a cookie, and a bowl of rice crispies in milk. Success!
So excited for Ohayocon >w< ONE WEEK! I still have so much to prepare though! I need to be the cutest Raichu I can be!
Edit: Its time to get a new phone. I've noticed my current phone has been throwing temper tantrums by calling random people. WTF >.> Or I just need a keyguard that doesn't get disrupted by text messages.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Day 7: illness
My body is trying to kill me from the inside out. Lets hope I find out the cause soon, and also find a solution.
Today I had a hot chocolate, 1.5 chicken strips, a small piece of pizza, small side of pasta, and a piece of cake. And lots of water. The pizza, pasta, and cake I forced myself to eat for dinner, and soon after I started feeling awful again. Its sort of being on and off now, but I nearly got ill in the bathroom not too long ago. And right now I'd be ptfo'd in bed if I didn't have Japanese homework to do and my cosplay to finish.
Forget it, I'll do my homework in the morning. And I'll work on my cosplay tomorrow afternoon.
F*** it.
Today I had a hot chocolate, 1.5 chicken strips, a small piece of pizza, small side of pasta, and a piece of cake. And lots of water. The pizza, pasta, and cake I forced myself to eat for dinner, and soon after I started feeling awful again. Its sort of being on and off now, but I nearly got ill in the bathroom not too long ago. And right now I'd be ptfo'd in bed if I didn't have Japanese homework to do and my cosplay to finish.
Forget it, I'll do my homework in the morning. And I'll work on my cosplay tomorrow afternoon.
F*** it.
Perfectly Imperfect Sleep
I think I've been bitten by the creativity bug. Last night as I was trying to fall asleep and staring at the ceiling, I had a whole bunch of awesome ideas pop into my head. The best one though was a song, which I'll call "Perfectly Imperfect" (but there's probably a song out there already by such title.) I mean it was almost as if I was mentally listening to a song that had already been written, but the song pertained to me and my life. I tried to write down some of the lyrics before I forgot. Now I just need to learn how to play the guitar. And sing without breaking glass.
In other news, had a terrible night's sleep because I had such a hard time falling asleep. And when I woke up I physically and emotionally felt like shit.
In other news, had a terrible night's sleep because I had such a hard time falling asleep. And when I woke up I physically and emotionally felt like shit.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Goin all-out on the interwebz!
I've decided to go all-out with my interwebz usage. As you've probably heard, today several big websites are blacked out in protest of SOPA/PIPA. I don't really know much about these bills except that they wouldn't even stop online piracy! The only thing they would really do is essentially make our internet just like China's.
Anywho, yeah so I decided it was finally time to make a weblog video series! My microphone still sucks, but I guess it's not too terribly bad when I upload directly to YouTube. I'm going to see if the video works any better on my high-techish big-fat-andbeautiful camera.
In other news, my tongue turned blue from a candy I ate at work today.
Anywho, yeah so I decided it was finally time to make a weblog video series! My microphone still sucks, but I guess it's not too terribly bad when I upload directly to YouTube. I'm going to see if the video works any better on my high-techish big-fat-andbeautiful camera.
In other news, my tongue turned blue from a candy I ate at work today.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
13 Steps to Failure
Great, so only a few hours after pumping myself up with all that motivational jazz, I get depressed.
What the hell?
And still poor appetite.
What the hell?
And still poor appetite.
13 Step Program to living life
Inspired by the 12 step program for addiction, compulsion, or behavior recovery, I've created my own program of 13 steps towards becoming the person I've always wanted to be, making the most of myself and my talents, and most importantly: being happy. These steps were written by me, for me, or anyone else looking to take control and turn their life around, making positive change.
I've got quite a few friends and family going through some rough times right now, so I hope this proves to be helpful to others as well.
1. First and foremost, know that you [yes YOU] are a person deserving of happiness. Repeat after me, "I will do my best to follow these steps to find happiness."
2. Acknowledge your strengths and weaknesses. Take note of your faults. Now, accept yourself for who you are. Yeah. Do it. No one is perfect.
3. Briefly list and consider your problems, but don't dwell on them. Know that there are things in life that are out of your control, but you can still be in control of your actions and reactions and you CAN do something. We just have to do our best! Ganbatte!
4. Create a list of thought and behavior changes that you want to make. Stick to it. Tell your friends and family about it. Ask them to help you stick to it. Try taking a break from people who encourage some of the behaviors you want to change, at least until you know you've broken the habit. Spend more time with positive influences, people you want to become more like.
5. Before you can change your behavior, you need to change your thoughts. Let go of resentments, regrets, and negative feelings. Life's too short to waste with petty feelings. Focus on positive things. Do NOT ruminate! Every morning think of 3 things you are thankful for.
6. Believe in yourself. Believe in the power of whatever God or gods you believe in. Believe in the power of change.
7. Once you think you've gotten the right mindset, start working on behavioral changes.
8. Don't let fear keep you from achieving your goals. Don't be afraid to act on the positive impulses that come from your new mindfulness. Say hi to the cashier that has your usual breakfast memorized. Compliment the sweater of the cute guy or girl sitting next to you. Put yourself out there.
9. Reward yourself for any improvements made. Make sure the steps you are taking are actually making you feel better about yourself. Celebrate yourself!
10. Enjoy and focus on the present. Plan for the future when necessary, but always remember that you are living in this present moment, right here, and it slips right by before you know it. Remember the past, learn from your mistakes. Also know that most of the time it's never too late to make amends, call an old friend, right a wrong, and to become the person you've always wanted to be.
11. Keep true to yourself and to others. Love the people that have been there for you through this process. Love the people that were there for you when times are good and bad. Know that you are loved and cared about by others! There are even some people out there who truly care about you whether you're a stranger or a close friend. And be there for others too, but only do so with true compassion.
12. If things still seem to be bad or miserable, try repeating any or all of the steps above.
13. Be happy and enjoy life!
This list needs a lot of editing because I feel like it starts off strong and diverges a little bit. Comments and suggestions by the random people who read this are greatly appreciated! It sort of went from self-empowerment to more general stuff for all the people I know going through hard times. It's a rough draft though, and just like me, it'll be polished with time and effort.
I've got quite a few friends and family going through some rough times right now, so I hope this proves to be helpful to others as well.
1. First and foremost, know that you [yes YOU] are a person deserving of happiness. Repeat after me, "I will do my best to follow these steps to find happiness."
2. Acknowledge your strengths and weaknesses. Take note of your faults. Now, accept yourself for who you are. Yeah. Do it. No one is perfect.
3. Briefly list and consider your problems, but don't dwell on them. Know that there are things in life that are out of your control, but you can still be in control of your actions and reactions and you CAN do something. We just have to do our best! Ganbatte!
4. Create a list of thought and behavior changes that you want to make. Stick to it. Tell your friends and family about it. Ask them to help you stick to it. Try taking a break from people who encourage some of the behaviors you want to change, at least until you know you've broken the habit. Spend more time with positive influences, people you want to become more like.
5. Before you can change your behavior, you need to change your thoughts. Let go of resentments, regrets, and negative feelings. Life's too short to waste with petty feelings. Focus on positive things. Do NOT ruminate! Every morning think of 3 things you are thankful for.
6. Believe in yourself. Believe in the power of whatever God or gods you believe in. Believe in the power of change.
7. Once you think you've gotten the right mindset, start working on behavioral changes.
8. Don't let fear keep you from achieving your goals. Don't be afraid to act on the positive impulses that come from your new mindfulness. Say hi to the cashier that has your usual breakfast memorized. Compliment the sweater of the cute guy or girl sitting next to you. Put yourself out there.
9. Reward yourself for any improvements made. Make sure the steps you are taking are actually making you feel better about yourself. Celebrate yourself!
10. Enjoy and focus on the present. Plan for the future when necessary, but always remember that you are living in this present moment, right here, and it slips right by before you know it. Remember the past, learn from your mistakes. Also know that most of the time it's never too late to make amends, call an old friend, right a wrong, and to become the person you've always wanted to be.
11. Keep true to yourself and to others. Love the people that have been there for you through this process. Love the people that were there for you when times are good and bad. Know that you are loved and cared about by others! There are even some people out there who truly care about you whether you're a stranger or a close friend. And be there for others too, but only do so with true compassion.
12. If things still seem to be bad or miserable, try repeating any or all of the steps above.
13. Be happy and enjoy life!
This list needs a lot of editing because I feel like it starts off strong and diverges a little bit. Comments and suggestions by the random people who read this are greatly appreciated! It sort of went from self-empowerment to more general stuff for all the people I know going through hard times. It's a rough draft though, and just like me, it'll be polished with time and effort.
Monday, January 16, 2012
First Day of Spring Semester
Had my first day of classes today. First day starting a semester of college as a single woman.
Classes:
9 am: Evolution
10 am: Continuing Japanese
11am: Social Psychology
12 pm: (Lunch)
1 pm: Music in World Cultures
So far all 4 classes went fine. I think this is going to be a really easy semester. The only class I have yet to take is East Asian Film on Thursday (which should also be easy).
So Trident almost just choked on a rock. I could feel him struggling to spit it out. I wish I could get him to stop trying to eat the food in his gravel. T_T
And then I was talking to someone online that really pissed me off and now I'm going to have an angry, angsty, panicky sleep. Which means I'll wake up feeling yucky.
I could really use a damn good hug right now.
Classes:
9 am: Evolution
10 am: Continuing Japanese
11am: Social Psychology
12 pm: (Lunch)
1 pm: Music in World Cultures
So far all 4 classes went fine. I think this is going to be a really easy semester. The only class I have yet to take is East Asian Film on Thursday (which should also be easy).
So Trident almost just choked on a rock. I could feel him struggling to spit it out. I wish I could get him to stop trying to eat the food in his gravel. T_T
And then I was talking to someone online that really pissed me off and now I'm going to have an angry, angsty, panicky sleep. Which means I'll wake up feeling yucky.
I could really use a damn good hug right now.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Still sick but making progress
3rd day of weird psycho-physical illness. I feel all sad and sick to my stomach, eating food just makes me feel worse. I felt bad that my parents got really concerned when dropping me off at school, they convinced me to go out to dinner with them and they made me eat some wonton soup because for lunch all I had eaten was half a terrible arbys roast beef and some curly fries.
Oh, and if my computer-illiterate father somehow stumbles upon this again, HOW THE HECK DID YOU FIND THIS ANYWAY???
Like seriously, he hardly even knows how to check his email (no offense, father). Says he saw a big banner ad on facebook or his email or something and clicked on it and read through my blog. First thing he says to me is "let's see your piercing". Next thing he tells me is that I'm pretty and skinny and shouldn't say things on the interwebz about myself being unattractive and unlovable. Sometimes my father can say sweet things despite being a grouch most of the time.
I'm starting up a little vlog too, so the world can truly see how random I really am when I just say the first thing that comes to my mind. I made the first practice video today, but it seems like my mic isn't as good as I'd've hoped it would be. I'm not sure if it's my computer's audio processor or what, but it sounds like crap. How do people get such crisp-sounding youtube videos? My laptop is a little old, but when it was new it had pretty good processing and stuff. It overheats easily, which causes lots of fan comotion and occasional hardware issues. I thought getting a headset would fix things, but it sounds about the same, so maybe it is a software problem. Or an audio-port problem?
As of 11pm: I am finally in a much better mood. I spent most of the day on the verge of tears, like I mentioned in the beginning of this post; just sad sad sad for no reason what-so-ever. I think I've just maybe felt a little lonely, or maybe it was a bug or something. Or maybe this will be like last night where I felt so much better, but woke up feeling miserable again. I'm just so happy to be back here, back to class, back to the world I know of books and studies and awesome roommates! And best of all, occasional alone time. XD
As of 11:48 pm: Too much mountain dew >.< I couldn't sleep, so I got back up. I'm anxious about tomorrow. I'm anxious about sleeping in a bed that I have not slept in for a month, which probably has spiders and critters living in it >.< And my roommate is already asleep and I'll probably wake her up with my frantic bed-spider-cleaning. Gahhhhhhh!
CLASS TOMORROW!!!!!! :D
Oh, and if my computer-illiterate father somehow stumbles upon this again, HOW THE HECK DID YOU FIND THIS ANYWAY???
Like seriously, he hardly even knows how to check his email (no offense, father). Says he saw a big banner ad on facebook or his email or something and clicked on it and read through my blog. First thing he says to me is "let's see your piercing". Next thing he tells me is that I'm pretty and skinny and shouldn't say things on the interwebz about myself being unattractive and unlovable. Sometimes my father can say sweet things despite being a grouch most of the time.
I'm starting up a little vlog too, so the world can truly see how random I really am when I just say the first thing that comes to my mind. I made the first practice video today, but it seems like my mic isn't as good as I'd've hoped it would be. I'm not sure if it's my computer's audio processor or what, but it sounds like crap. How do people get such crisp-sounding youtube videos? My laptop is a little old, but when it was new it had pretty good processing and stuff. It overheats easily, which causes lots of fan comotion and occasional hardware issues. I thought getting a headset would fix things, but it sounds about the same, so maybe it is a software problem. Or an audio-port problem?
As of 11pm: I am finally in a much better mood. I spent most of the day on the verge of tears, like I mentioned in the beginning of this post; just sad sad sad for no reason what-so-ever. I think I've just maybe felt a little lonely, or maybe it was a bug or something. Or maybe this will be like last night where I felt so much better, but woke up feeling miserable again. I'm just so happy to be back here, back to class, back to the world I know of books and studies and awesome roommates! And best of all, occasional alone time. XD
As of 11:48 pm: Too much mountain dew >.< I couldn't sleep, so I got back up. I'm anxious about tomorrow. I'm anxious about sleeping in a bed that I have not slept in for a month, which probably has spiders and critters living in it >.< And my roommate is already asleep and I'll probably wake her up with my frantic bed-spider-cleaning. Gahhhhhhh!
CLASS TOMORROW!!!!!! :D
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Sick as a Dog
These past two days have been pretty rough for me. I'm not even sure why. I really hope it's not another depression looming around the corner. That would really suck.
I can hardly eat. And I love eating food.
Leaving to go back to school tomorrow. I have mixed feelings. I'll probably feel better once I'm back to having some alone time and work to do.
I can hardly eat. And I love eating food.
Leaving to go back to school tomorrow. I have mixed feelings. I'll probably feel better once I'm back to having some alone time and work to do.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Happy Friday the 13th!
There will be a total of 3 friday the 13ths this year: January, April, and July.
Normally there's either 1 or none.
Let's hope this means good things for this year.
13 has always been a good number for me. I hope it will continue to be my lucky number as I've headed into 2012 with a rough start.
Normally there's either 1 or none.
Let's hope this means good things for this year.
13 has always been a good number for me. I hope it will continue to be my lucky number as I've headed into 2012 with a rough start.
Head vs. Heart
I do believe that I might be so indecisive because I am constantly at war with myself. My heart pulls me one way, and my head tries to keep me down to earth.
It's hard even when I'm just trying to decide what to have for lunch. My heart wants something meaty and filling to satisfy the hole in my stomach. My head wants something inexpensive and nutritious, to keep myself healthy and running.
Yeah, I'm weak. Maybe I'm a sucker for caring about people who don't give shits about me, especially those who can't take care of themselves. Maybe life would be a lot easier if I just became an emotionless bitch and made everyone hate me. It's never that easy though.
And all of a sudden, it's like I've forgotten how to connect with people. I have a few friends that I've been meaning to hang out with over break, and I realized... I hardly know them anymore. Some I can still talk to about things almost like normal, but others it's almost like we're complete strangers. And I can hardly initiate conversation with a legitimate stranger because of my usual issues.
I read a blog today, written by a woman who had gone through a divorce and is now a single mom with 3 kids. I found it inspiring how she's managing to keep herself together and keep moving forward, despite and curveballs life might throw her.
There was one point in time when I was so full of life and courage. I used to think a lot about life, religion, things like that back in high school. At one point I'd decided that it didn't matter whether or not I was born destined for something, or if my life is just some chance happening, or even if it's a mistake; I would make my own destiny, my own purpose, and do my damned best to live my life to the fullest.
Obviously, I'm failing pretty hardcore right now.
In other news, I made an encyclopedia sale. At least I'm good at school and general work-stuff.
Things have just been really stressful around here, especially for a winter "break". I've started feeling a little down in the dumps. What with the combo of constant socialization, being bitched at for things that aren't even my fault, letting other people down, letting myself down.
I'm hoping I'll be back to my old peppy self once I go back to school and have a chance to relax and see my friends again, even though there are a few good ones that wont be coming back. I cant wait to show my roommates my new piercing and to show them how much I've changed in just a month.
I've been sorta typing this over the course of several hours, so I'm guessing this reads as scatterbrained as I feel right now. I'll add pictures to increase the insanity. Yay!!!!
These first two pictures are from the night that my friend's bunny had taken a liking to me. We were having a picture party, celebrating our last evening together with her boyfriend's friend who had come to visit. (Yes that's my cosplay and sewing machine in the background. >w<)
Bunny likes me >w< She kept hopping over and letting me pet her. She even let me hold her a few times!
These are the donuts that we made using their little deepfryer. Friend took the roll dough from the pilsbury can and put holes in each one, frying all ten of them on each side. I coated them with frosting and added sprinkles on top for aesthetics. They turned out pretty damn beautiful and even more delicious!
It's hard even when I'm just trying to decide what to have for lunch. My heart wants something meaty and filling to satisfy the hole in my stomach. My head wants something inexpensive and nutritious, to keep myself healthy and running.
Yeah, I'm weak. Maybe I'm a sucker for caring about people who don't give shits about me, especially those who can't take care of themselves. Maybe life would be a lot easier if I just became an emotionless bitch and made everyone hate me. It's never that easy though.
And all of a sudden, it's like I've forgotten how to connect with people. I have a few friends that I've been meaning to hang out with over break, and I realized... I hardly know them anymore. Some I can still talk to about things almost like normal, but others it's almost like we're complete strangers. And I can hardly initiate conversation with a legitimate stranger because of my usual issues.
I read a blog today, written by a woman who had gone through a divorce and is now a single mom with 3 kids. I found it inspiring how she's managing to keep herself together and keep moving forward, despite and curveballs life might throw her.
There was one point in time when I was so full of life and courage. I used to think a lot about life, religion, things like that back in high school. At one point I'd decided that it didn't matter whether or not I was born destined for something, or if my life is just some chance happening, or even if it's a mistake; I would make my own destiny, my own purpose, and do my damned best to live my life to the fullest.
Obviously, I'm failing pretty hardcore right now.
In other news, I made an encyclopedia sale. At least I'm good at school and general work-stuff.
Things have just been really stressful around here, especially for a winter "break". I've started feeling a little down in the dumps. What with the combo of constant socialization, being bitched at for things that aren't even my fault, letting other people down, letting myself down.
I'm hoping I'll be back to my old peppy self once I go back to school and have a chance to relax and see my friends again, even though there are a few good ones that wont be coming back. I cant wait to show my roommates my new piercing and to show them how much I've changed in just a month.
I've been sorta typing this over the course of several hours, so I'm guessing this reads as scatterbrained as I feel right now. I'll add pictures to increase the insanity. Yay!!!!
These first two pictures are from the night that my friend's bunny had taken a liking to me. We were having a picture party, celebrating our last evening together with her boyfriend's friend who had come to visit. (Yes that's my cosplay and sewing machine in the background. >w<)
Bunny likes me >w< She kept hopping over and letting me pet her. She even let me hold her a few times!
These are the donuts that we made using their little deepfryer. Friend took the roll dough from the pilsbury can and put holes in each one, frying all ten of them on each side. I coated them with frosting and added sprinkles on top for aesthetics. They turned out pretty damn beautiful and even more delicious!
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
I know, I know, I need to just shut the hell up.
Talking to a good old friend of mine has helped me relax a little more about the ex and such.
I'm sure everyone is tired of hearing me whine and moan about my ex (hell, even I'm sick of it.) I've started brainstorming a daily mantra, to help myself get out of this mindset.
"No matter how much you have loved this person, nor how much energy you put into this relationship, you have to do your best to let things go. He abandoned you. There might not be anything wrong with you, except that HE wanted to spend more time messing around with his friends and being immature, while avoiding responsibility and the rest of the real world. Perhaps he was afraid of responsibility and settling down, while you were totally ready to commit.. You are a good person. You are fine on your own, but you would make an awesome girlfriend to someone more deserving of you. You deserve someone who can give you as much as you have to give to them.
I know that thinking about it is how you deal with confusing emotions, so go right ahead. But know that there are more important things to think about once you are done. The future is open, with many doors and possibilities. Stop thinking that maybe you can revive the dead. Stop. It's not going to happen. Focus on those who have not abandoned you. Focus on those who truly want to be in your company, to hear your words, to tell you their feelings and fears, those who put trust into you. And most importantly, focus on yourself. "
I'm so dull.... T_T
I'm sure everyone is tired of hearing me whine and moan about my ex (hell, even I'm sick of it.) I've started brainstorming a daily mantra, to help myself get out of this mindset.
"No matter how much you have loved this person, nor how much energy you put into this relationship, you have to do your best to let things go. He abandoned you. There might not be anything wrong with you, except that HE wanted to spend more time messing around with his friends and being immature, while avoiding responsibility and the rest of the real world. Perhaps he was afraid of responsibility and settling down, while you were totally ready to commit.. You are a good person. You are fine on your own, but you would make an awesome girlfriend to someone more deserving of you. You deserve someone who can give you as much as you have to give to them.
I know that thinking about it is how you deal with confusing emotions, so go right ahead. But know that there are more important things to think about once you are done. The future is open, with many doors and possibilities. Stop thinking that maybe you can revive the dead. Stop. It's not going to happen. Focus on those who have not abandoned you. Focus on those who truly want to be in your company, to hear your words, to tell you their feelings and fears, those who put trust into you. And most importantly, focus on yourself. "
I'm so dull.... T_T
Monday, January 9, 2012
Craft mode, shifting into overdrive!
I have been inspired! I'm happy to say my cosplay blog is no longer being neglected, but now I find myself getting inspired to do even more projects!
First order of business, getting the Raichu cosplay done. THEN I can start my other fun ideas!
Next, making my own Pokebra and matching panties. Pokebra TITorial (I should probably also mention that the couple in this video are my heroes... They are so cute and nerdy together >w< ) I already have a pikachu cosplay and a Touko cosplay. Working on my Raichu cosplay. I need something a little fun and risque so I don't feel like I'm some sort of a mentally 12-year-old pokemon fan. XD Even if I might look like I'm physically a teenager, I have to face the facts: I'm old. I'm 20-freaking-years old! Before I know it, I'll be 30!!!!
After that, I'm going to make my own goldfish panties because I guess goldfish are too cool to be plastered onto girlish underwear and sold to weirdos like me who think they would be absolutely adorable! (Maybe I shouldn't admit that....)
I know it seems like a lot of this is kinky... but I swear I'm not a perv >.< I can't help that I'm inspired! Once I get more ideas, it'll all balance out and I wont seem so weird.
I also plan on doing a Raichu fleece hat for the winter, but not for the con since it'll look odd with the shirt. I also want to make some sort of cute hat for Flower because I know how she likes hats, and I feel pretty bad for shrinking one when I did laundry.... (gomenasai, Hana-chan!!! >.<) And also as a thank you for taking good care of me in my "end-of-relationship-pmsy-emotional-vomity-illness" time, when I had nowhere else to go.
But hey, wearing cute underwear does wonders for self-esteem. When taking exams I always try to wear my cutest (but still comfortable) pairs. Seeing as I got a 4.0 this semester, with my final exams for each class being about 20-25% of my grade, I'd say that I'm pretty sure this is a damn good idea. Not impressed? What if I said that I had only studied for each exam less than 24 hours beforehand? And for less than an hour each? Do you believe in the magic of epic panties yet? DO YOU????
I'm tellin' ya, it's the magic of the panties. But it's conditional. They work best if they've never been seen by a lecherous man.....and they must be kept clean and neatly folded in a drawer reserved for sacred artifacts.....and you must sprinkle them with fairy dust and hang them to bathe in the light of a full moon.......
Okay, I'm being silly. :P
Someday maybe I'll wear 'em for someone else's enjoyment, but for right now, it feels pretty good to please myself.
That came out much dirtier than I had intended....
Even that sounds wrong... XD What the hell, man??
Goodnight! Time for me to get some sleep and regain some sanity!!!!
First order of business, getting the Raichu cosplay done. THEN I can start my other fun ideas!
Next, making my own Pokebra and matching panties. Pokebra TITorial (I should probably also mention that the couple in this video are my heroes... They are so cute and nerdy together >w< ) I already have a pikachu cosplay and a Touko cosplay. Working on my Raichu cosplay. I need something a little fun and risque so I don't feel like I'm some sort of a mentally 12-year-old pokemon fan. XD Even if I might look like I'm physically a teenager, I have to face the facts: I'm old. I'm 20-freaking-years old! Before I know it, I'll be 30!!!!After that, I'm going to make my own goldfish panties because I guess goldfish are too cool to be plastered onto girlish underwear and sold to weirdos like me who think they would be absolutely adorable! (Maybe I shouldn't admit that....)
I know it seems like a lot of this is kinky... but I swear I'm not a perv >.< I can't help that I'm inspired! Once I get more ideas, it'll all balance out and I wont seem so weird.
I also plan on doing a Raichu fleece hat for the winter, but not for the con since it'll look odd with the shirt. I also want to make some sort of cute hat for Flower because I know how she likes hats, and I feel pretty bad for shrinking one when I did laundry.... (gomenasai, Hana-chan!!! >.<) And also as a thank you for taking good care of me in my "end-of-relationship-pmsy-emotional-vomity-illness" time, when I had nowhere else to go.
But hey, wearing cute underwear does wonders for self-esteem. When taking exams I always try to wear my cutest (but still comfortable) pairs. Seeing as I got a 4.0 this semester, with my final exams for each class being about 20-25% of my grade, I'd say that I'm pretty sure this is a damn good idea. Not impressed? What if I said that I had only studied for each exam less than 24 hours beforehand? And for less than an hour each? Do you believe in the magic of epic panties yet? DO YOU????
I'm tellin' ya, it's the magic of the panties. But it's conditional. They work best if they've never been seen by a lecherous man.....and they must be kept clean and neatly folded in a drawer reserved for sacred artifacts.....and you must sprinkle them with fairy dust and hang them to bathe in the light of a full moon.......
Okay, I'm being silly. :P
Someday maybe I'll wear 'em for someone else's enjoyment, but for right now, it feels pretty good to please myself.
That came out much dirtier than I had intended....
Even that sounds wrong... XD What the hell, man??
Goodnight! Time for me to get some sleep and regain some sanity!!!!
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Friday Fun
At the family dinner party friday night, I had one of those "Oh my god, I'm so OLDDD" moments.
First of all, I was pretty much the only person there who wasn't drinking (other than my little cousin Alice), and yet I had a hard time keeping my head up. Almost felt like I was going to pass out. Fortunately, nothing happened, but I'm still worried that I might have some sort of a bug or something.
So as we were leaving, my little cousin came up to me to say goodbye. She'd come over a few minutes beforehand, with a confused look on her face, like she wasn't sure if we were leaving or not, but she wouldn't admit it. XD This time we were saying our farewells, and I mentioned to her that it'd probably be another hour or so before we actually walked out the door. I said to her, "you know old people, it takes them so long to say goodbye to each and every person, and while they're at it, sharing their life stories...."
Alice: "Yeah, old people take a long time. *thinks for a moment* But you're not like that! You're a teenager."
And then I wanted to cry because I realized I was no longer a teenager.... I'm 20, a full-fledged adult. Before I know it, I'll probably be just like everyone else in the room. Old, drunk, talking for hours about old-people stuff. Telling young adults, like myself, advice about school and life. Looking back on my youthful years and hoping this next generation of kids will be able to handle themselves properly.
I've always found it strange how I feel so... young inside. I'm so damn naive! I have no idea how the world works. Sure, I have a job, I know how to write a check, I can do laundry, take care of myself. I'm not really sure if I'm mentally any different or more mature than when I was 16. Perhaps it is only that I have not been taking advantage of my new-found freedoms? Responsibility has always been easy for me, but I feel like I live in a closet. And I know I've whined about this all before in my blog, so maybe this is just how I am? Is mental age really determined by physical age? And I know this is something I've mentioned before. It's on my mind quite a bit. It always seems like there are so many people my age that are way beyond me when it comes to mentality and life experiences.
I got rejected from the CLS program, on the first round of rejections. Probably because I have very little experience with international travel. Which is pretty damn ironic. Here I am, applying to this program to travel to Japan and get some experience with persons from another culture, because I have yet to have ample opportunity, and they reject me for lack of experience! Unless I somehow win the lottery, how am I supposed to gain this sort of experience? I'm around kids from all sorts of countries at my college. That's the closest I'll ever get right now, I suppose.
I felt so empowered when I signed the form to get my ear pierced myself, since I was over 18. It does feel good to know that I have more freedoms than I had thought before.
Oh, that's right! The piercing (left ear):
First of all, I was pretty much the only person there who wasn't drinking (other than my little cousin Alice), and yet I had a hard time keeping my head up. Almost felt like I was going to pass out. Fortunately, nothing happened, but I'm still worried that I might have some sort of a bug or something.
So as we were leaving, my little cousin came up to me to say goodbye. She'd come over a few minutes beforehand, with a confused look on her face, like she wasn't sure if we were leaving or not, but she wouldn't admit it. XD This time we were saying our farewells, and I mentioned to her that it'd probably be another hour or so before we actually walked out the door. I said to her, "you know old people, it takes them so long to say goodbye to each and every person, and while they're at it, sharing their life stories...."
Alice: "Yeah, old people take a long time. *thinks for a moment* But you're not like that! You're a teenager."
And then I wanted to cry because I realized I was no longer a teenager.... I'm 20, a full-fledged adult. Before I know it, I'll probably be just like everyone else in the room. Old, drunk, talking for hours about old-people stuff. Telling young adults, like myself, advice about school and life. Looking back on my youthful years and hoping this next generation of kids will be able to handle themselves properly.
I've always found it strange how I feel so... young inside. I'm so damn naive! I have no idea how the world works. Sure, I have a job, I know how to write a check, I can do laundry, take care of myself. I'm not really sure if I'm mentally any different or more mature than when I was 16. Perhaps it is only that I have not been taking advantage of my new-found freedoms? Responsibility has always been easy for me, but I feel like I live in a closet. And I know I've whined about this all before in my blog, so maybe this is just how I am? Is mental age really determined by physical age? And I know this is something I've mentioned before. It's on my mind quite a bit. It always seems like there are so many people my age that are way beyond me when it comes to mentality and life experiences.
I got rejected from the CLS program, on the first round of rejections. Probably because I have very little experience with international travel. Which is pretty damn ironic. Here I am, applying to this program to travel to Japan and get some experience with persons from another culture, because I have yet to have ample opportunity, and they reject me for lack of experience! Unless I somehow win the lottery, how am I supposed to gain this sort of experience? I'm around kids from all sorts of countries at my college. That's the closest I'll ever get right now, I suppose.
I felt so empowered when I signed the form to get my ear pierced myself, since I was over 18. It does feel good to know that I have more freedoms than I had thought before.
Oh, that's right! The piercing (left ear):
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Smooth Saturday
Today was very successful as far as Saturdays go. (Okay, so this post is an hour late XD)
I worked a lot on my cosplay (details of which you can see here). I still have a lot to do, but at least I got a good hunk of work done.
Flower, her bf's friend, and I watched the Rocky Horror Picture show. That was a lot of fun! I've missed going to the midnight showings, letting myself scream "Dammit Janet, you're a slut!" (For those who don't know, Janet Weiss is one of the main characters of the Rocky Horror Picture show.)
Friend/Roommate had a bad day at work, so the two friends, his friend and me all went out to Olive Garden. We splurged hardcore. I ate SO MUCH. My favorite has always been the Chicken Marsala. I used to split it when I went on dates there, but hell, I love being single: I ate the whole damn thing myself!!! Yes, I felt like I was going to explode afterwards, but it was SO worth it!
Afterwards, my friend (the one who had the bad day at work) drove us all to the mall. We got there and he tells me that either I get my ear pierced or I'm walking home. I'd been talking about it a lot for the past few weeks, I've been feeling pretty adventurous. I wanted to be a rebel for once in my life!!! But when he said that... I was absolutely terrified and against the idea. >.< But I found a Piercing Pagoda, talked to the girl, browsed the earrings, and decided to go for it! I was so scared when I had to sit in the chair, and I squeezed the teddy bear soooo tight and then.... it hardly hurt at all! XD I'm such a sissy. It started to sting a bit as we walked around the rest of the mall, around Spencers, and such, but once I cleaned it with the solution I got, it felt okay. [I'm not even going to mention why they dragged me into Spencers....]
OWWWWW I just accidentally touched my piercing again. T_T
Then we got back to the apartment, Flower and I baked some awesome brownies. Her bunny suddenly decided I was her new best friend, and let me pet her and pick her up. So I'm in a pretty good mood.
Pictures will have to come later, as a certain friend keeps unplugging the modem >:/ What the hell!
I worked a lot on my cosplay (details of which you can see here). I still have a lot to do, but at least I got a good hunk of work done.
Flower, her bf's friend, and I watched the Rocky Horror Picture show. That was a lot of fun! I've missed going to the midnight showings, letting myself scream "Dammit Janet, you're a slut!" (For those who don't know, Janet Weiss is one of the main characters of the Rocky Horror Picture show.)
Friend/Roommate had a bad day at work, so the two friends, his friend and me all went out to Olive Garden. We splurged hardcore. I ate SO MUCH. My favorite has always been the Chicken Marsala. I used to split it when I went on dates there, but hell, I love being single: I ate the whole damn thing myself!!! Yes, I felt like I was going to explode afterwards, but it was SO worth it!
Afterwards, my friend (the one who had the bad day at work) drove us all to the mall. We got there and he tells me that either I get my ear pierced or I'm walking home. I'd been talking about it a lot for the past few weeks, I've been feeling pretty adventurous. I wanted to be a rebel for once in my life!!! But when he said that... I was absolutely terrified and against the idea. >.< But I found a Piercing Pagoda, talked to the girl, browsed the earrings, and decided to go for it! I was so scared when I had to sit in the chair, and I squeezed the teddy bear soooo tight and then.... it hardly hurt at all! XD I'm such a sissy. It started to sting a bit as we walked around the rest of the mall, around Spencers, and such, but once I cleaned it with the solution I got, it felt okay. [I'm not even going to mention why they dragged me into Spencers....]
OWWWWW I just accidentally touched my piercing again. T_T
Then we got back to the apartment, Flower and I baked some awesome brownies. Her bunny suddenly decided I was her new best friend, and let me pet her and pick her up. So I'm in a pretty good mood.
Pictures will have to come later, as a certain friend keeps unplugging the modem >:/ What the hell!
Friday, January 6, 2012
The mysterious "Friend zone"
"The friend zone, or occasionally friendship zone, is a dating term describing a relation in which one partner wants to become intimate romantically while the other prefers to be just friends.... A Chicago Tribune writer suggested there were several causes in which a man might become corralled to the friend zone: (1) the woman is not sufficiently attracted to the man, (2) the woman perceives signals coming from the man about whether to deepen the relationship as ambiguous, (3) there is sexual repulsion (but not enough to block a friendship)." - Courtesy of Wikipedia.Ahh, the infamous “friend zone.” I was talking to a friend the other day and he mentioned how he was fed-up with being thrown into the friend zone by every compatible girl he met. It reminded me of that show on MTV (which I believe is called FriendZone), where kids get their “best friend” to help them prepare for a “blind date”… and then they reveal their feelings to said friend, usually ending with hearts broken.
Now, from what I know, most people consider being “friend zoned” to be a really bad thing. In my case however, I don’t understand why. Maybe it’s because I’m a coward, but I’d feel way more comfortable dating a friend rather than some guy I just met at the club, which is probably why I would most likely throw someone into the friend zone. With friends, you already have some sort of an emotional relationship, even if it is platonic.
Not many people know, and I don’t know why they don’t care to remember, but I dated my ex not once, but twice. Sophomore year we went on one or two “dates” but I was so terrified that he was a creeper (that was going to rape me or something), so we decided it just wasn’t going to work, and we stayed friends and talked online for the next year. Then something sparked and we decided to hang out and see how things would go that time. And I felt waaaaay more comfortable the second time because I knew him on an emotional basis already and the spark just sorta led it from there.
I dunno… I wonder, is it normal that I don’t walk around spending my day ogling at guys, wondering which one would best to bang? Am I just really picky with looks? Am I a coward? Am I just plain weird?
Maybe there’s something wrong with me since I’m not one to do the whole friend zone thing. On the other hand, dating a friend can end badly and afterwards it might be difficult to keep that friendship. Like what happened with me. Some part of me regrets changing what was once a friendship, because I miss having my best friend. Then again, I’ve never had many guy friends, probably because I am less than attractive. However, I’ve learned to live with it.
Sometimes I almost feel like I have no idea what goes on in the heads of the other gender. Now this is all from a girl’s point of view, so maybe I’m really not getting how frustrating this can be for guys. Women are not as complex as you think. Sure, we might get a little confused about what we want, but deep down all we really want is just someone to be there for us. Someone to treat us special, to love us, to make us feel wanted and needed.
Therefore, to any men or women out there who gave up because they felt “friend zoned,” what the hell, don’t throw in the towel! Unless somebody explicitly says, “hey I just want to remain friends, I feel no sexual or romantic attraction to you what-so-ever,” then you can’t just go on assuming someone just wants to be friends. Sometimes you really have to think about what you want. Do you just want a different relationship with this person because they are attractive? Because you’re horny? Or because you really care about them and want to be that one person that makes them happy? Whatever the reasoning, in certain situations or after trying for so long, you probably should just throw in the towel and move on. But no matter what, just be honest. Talk to your friend. Communication is so important, I'm constantly amazed at how often it's forgotten!
This is all from my perspective. So if this is completely incorrect or if I'm lacking some understanding of the friend zone, or friend zone banishment, please don't leave me in the dark! Leave a comment! :3
4:30 Edit: Now that I think about it, that would REALLY suck. If I were really romantically interested in a guy and he pretty much said that he wanted to be friends, I'd get paranoid about myself unless he told me exactly what didn't click or why he wasn't willing. And even from a girls POV, having your boyfriend say that he "just wants to be friends" is a bit like a kick in the stomach, especially if it's after 3 years. And then even that is a lie...
But sometimes it is scary to tell the truth, sometimes it's scary to be honest. It's scary to date. It's scary to interact with the opposite gender. It's scary to be yourself. It's scary to know that you cant control what your heart feels or lacks.
Alright, now I'm just ranting. I'm... going to stop.... Here, enjoy this nice diagram:
Sunday, January 1, 2012
New Years Resolutions!
Well, that was a first (and hopefully the last).
I...uh... got a little past tipsy. I'm never letting myself get like that again. I mean, it wasn't too bad, but I was definitely not in control of my words or actions. I was all giddy, laughing at nothing, and I guess I was bratty too, because I wouldn't eat the rice my friend was trying to feed me so I wouldn't get sick. I guess I sang a song of my own creation "Kaab's a deuche! Kaab's a deuche! But not meee~!"
I hope dearly that this new year brings change for me. I thought long and hard about my new years resolutions. But there are so many things that I want to do and change that I can't possibly do it all in a year. It brings me some discomfort and pain to know that I'll never have a relationship anything like my first. I find this very disappointing. It was fulfilling in so many ways. I felt happy. So with this new year I want to find out that I'm just a naive fool, with so many more experiences in life yet for me to taste!
Resolutions:
- get super sexy flat abs
- get healthy/fit overall by working out at least once a week
- Keep getting good grades
- make myself a person worthy of love
- change my thinking to be more positive
- Eat healthier
- And come up with better resolutions
I...uh... got a little past tipsy. I'm never letting myself get like that again. I mean, it wasn't too bad, but I was definitely not in control of my words or actions. I was all giddy, laughing at nothing, and I guess I was bratty too, because I wouldn't eat the rice my friend was trying to feed me so I wouldn't get sick. I guess I sang a song of my own creation "Kaab's a deuche! Kaab's a deuche! But not meee~!"
I hope dearly that this new year brings change for me. I thought long and hard about my new years resolutions. But there are so many things that I want to do and change that I can't possibly do it all in a year. It brings me some discomfort and pain to know that I'll never have a relationship anything like my first. I find this very disappointing. It was fulfilling in so many ways. I felt happy. So with this new year I want to find out that I'm just a naive fool, with so many more experiences in life yet for me to taste!
Resolutions:
- get super sexy flat abs
- get healthy/fit overall by working out at least once a week
- Keep getting good grades
- make myself a person worthy of love
- change my thinking to be more positive
- Eat healthier
- And come up with better resolutions
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