Sometimes I really hate myself.
I deserve an award: Worlds Biggest Bitch. I've recently discovered many broken hearts over the suddenness of my new relationship. And I feel like such a goddamn asshole because of it.
What does the word "friend" mean to a guy? "Friend now, fuck buddy/date later"? I'm starting to think that it is interpreted differently among different genders. Or perhaps, I am not well versed in reading people's other intentions, without needing it to be spelled out.
If I could, I'd take back everything. I'd go back to being the ugly, undesirable nobody that spent her days crying in her room out of loneliness. I would take it all back, to give back the happiness of those from whom I have stolen it, unknowingly.
For the first time in adulthood, I was single, and trying to make the most of it. I wasn't trying to fuck around (in fact, I was seriously afraid of meeting people and getting raped or murdered). I just wanted to get to know people and make friends, maybe try flirting.
I fucking quit. I don't know what the world wants from me anymore. This isn't who I am. I am not a self-centered bitch who enjoys hurting others. I'm the one who wants to heal all the hurt of everyone. You cant be self-sacrificing for everyone, because not only does that tear you apart, but you cant possibly satisfy everyone's needs anyway. Sometimes, you have to pick and choose which tasks you can handle, and which ones are out of your hands.
Perhaps it was just a bad decision to join a dating website to begin with. Everyone there has some sort of pain or longing to be with another person. And being inable to say "no", I get hurled along into this vortex of compassion and pain, longing and desire.
Emotions. Why must they be so difficult? What does it all mean? Why should I even go looking for my own happiness in life when it must always come at the expense of others?
How can I stop the pain?
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Another crazy weekend
Hung out with the boyfriend Friday evening. He's looking for a new place to move, so I tagged along as he checked out a room in a duplex. Then we went to Olive Garden for dinner. Watched the Animal.
Saturday, we got breakfast, had taco bell for lunch, and then shopped around at the mall. I bought a World Series of Poker baseball cap at Goodwill. Cuddled. Tried to get Mewtwo and Arceus from the Pokemon Events. Went to see The Secret World of Arrietty. Afterwards, had Sushi at Kooma (it was out of this world!)
Now here's the fun part.
We were stuck at Kooma. Someone found a "suspicious package" in the parking garage where we were parked (which was also connected to the sushi place). They had the whole street taped off. The bomb squad was called and they sent in a robot to go retrieve the package. Meanwhile, we were stuck in the restaurant. Most of the employees were stuck there too. After awhile, E and I were invited to sit with them at the bar and get a free drink XD Some sort of lemon shot thing. I was pretty bad at it, I took a tiny sip and then licked the lemon. E drank his like a pro, so I gave the rest of mine to him. FINALLY, the robot came back out and we could leave.
We went back to his friend's house and started watching The Human Centipede, but I started getting nervous even before the surgery took place, so he turned it off. >.< Watched some other random TV and then went to sleep with a happy ending (unlike the human centipede...).
Saturday, we got breakfast, had taco bell for lunch, and then shopped around at the mall. I bought a World Series of Poker baseball cap at Goodwill. Cuddled. Tried to get Mewtwo and Arceus from the Pokemon Events. Went to see The Secret World of Arrietty. Afterwards, had Sushi at Kooma (it was out of this world!)
Now here's the fun part.
We were stuck at Kooma. Someone found a "suspicious package" in the parking garage where we were parked (which was also connected to the sushi place). They had the whole street taped off. The bomb squad was called and they sent in a robot to go retrieve the package. Meanwhile, we were stuck in the restaurant. Most of the employees were stuck there too. After awhile, E and I were invited to sit with them at the bar and get a free drink XD Some sort of lemon shot thing. I was pretty bad at it, I took a tiny sip and then licked the lemon. E drank his like a pro, so I gave the rest of mine to him. FINALLY, the robot came back out and we could leave.
We went back to his friend's house and started watching The Human Centipede, but I started getting nervous even before the surgery took place, so he turned it off. >.< Watched some other random TV and then went to sleep with a happy ending (unlike the human centipede...).
Thursday, February 16, 2012
What a week...what...a...week....
*pats self on back* I'm so proud of myself! I went over a WHOLE WEEK without posting a blog entry! So many things have happened since then....
Last Friday: I asked my roommate to take me to a frat party. So I got all cute and dressed up in a skirt and tanktop and boots, and actually put on makeup for once. So it was me, my roommate, and 3 other girls. We walked over there since it wasn't too far, but I took one look inside, saw the ginormous clusterfuck inside, and tried to leave. My roommate ran after me and asked me to stay for just 15 minutes, so I go back in with her, and she goes right up to a guy and asks him to dance with me.
I BOLT.
Literally run back to my room, both my roommate and her guy friend calling after me. I run inside my dorm, run up to my room, and lock the door. Put on my cat ears. And get all hyper and take pictures of myself pretending to eat one of my mice. Finally pass out around 4 in the morning. Yeah, that was a fun night.
Saturday: I had plans to hang out with a friend from Ohayocon. We went to eat lunch, see Star Wars in 3D, some shopping at the mall. Little did I know... it somehow turned into a date. Ended up having dinner and watching two more movies. I didn't mind much, I hate letting people pay so much for me, but I had a good time. I agreed to pizza and video-games on Valentines Day.
Valentines Day: Went to Five Guys for the first time, it was amazing. Went to an Asian market and got some Ramune and Japanese candies. Came back to the dorm for some video-games and pizza. And some cuddles.
Today: Yesterday was my roommate's birthday, so my friend and I just blew up a bunch of balloons and threw them in her room. Then we made a phallic-shaped balloon and taped it to her door with a condom underneath. :) That was fun!
Oh, well, I guess that wasn't all as interesting as I thought it'd be. But for me, that's a lot to happen in one week. I'm also omitting some things that I will probably remember at a later time.
Last Friday: I asked my roommate to take me to a frat party. So I got all cute and dressed up in a skirt and tanktop and boots, and actually put on makeup for once. So it was me, my roommate, and 3 other girls. We walked over there since it wasn't too far, but I took one look inside, saw the ginormous clusterfuck inside, and tried to leave. My roommate ran after me and asked me to stay for just 15 minutes, so I go back in with her, and she goes right up to a guy and asks him to dance with me.
I BOLT.
Literally run back to my room, both my roommate and her guy friend calling after me. I run inside my dorm, run up to my room, and lock the door. Put on my cat ears. And get all hyper and take pictures of myself pretending to eat one of my mice. Finally pass out around 4 in the morning. Yeah, that was a fun night.
Saturday: I had plans to hang out with a friend from Ohayocon. We went to eat lunch, see Star Wars in 3D, some shopping at the mall. Little did I know... it somehow turned into a date. Ended up having dinner and watching two more movies. I didn't mind much, I hate letting people pay so much for me, but I had a good time. I agreed to pizza and video-games on Valentines Day.
Valentines Day: Went to Five Guys for the first time, it was amazing. Went to an Asian market and got some Ramune and Japanese candies. Came back to the dorm for some video-games and pizza. And some cuddles.
Today: Yesterday was my roommate's birthday, so my friend and I just blew up a bunch of balloons and threw them in her room. Then we made a phallic-shaped balloon and taped it to her door with a condom underneath. :) That was fun!
Oh, well, I guess that wasn't all as interesting as I thought it'd be. But for me, that's a lot to happen in one week. I'm also omitting some things that I will probably remember at a later time.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
V-Day is quickly aproaching
So, once again my roommates and I were discussing the men on campus. I'm not sure if our population sample is very skewed, or if most men are this way, but we are all under the impression that 99% of the guys on campus are immature and most of them aren't interested in women at all.
Of course the topic is guys and dating. There are flyers EVERYWHERE for Valentine's Day candygrams, flowergrams, and lol, even condomgrams! It seems like this year, several clubs are trying to make some money off of valentines day hooplah, and honestly I think it will be in vain.
Hmm...maybe I should jump on this marketing bandwagon by selling Pokebra and Pokepanty sets.
I never really did anything romantic on Valentines Day. I feel like it's almost another one of those days just for companies to make more sales. Even when I was with my ex, we never really did anything special. I think one year he bought me a flower. I used to have a girlish fantasy of being happily surprised on valentines day with a bouquet of flowers and a love letter, or even something nerdy like a pokeball rose! It's not the things I desired, but the sheer effort that someone would take to make me feel special. I'm more realistic nowadays.
What to do for valentines day? There's something I've been wanting to get for awhile now, and I think I might gift it to myself for V-day! Not in a sappy "Forever Alone" way, but just using it as an excuse to finally buy it. Hmm... why not? <3
Of course the topic is guys and dating. There are flyers EVERYWHERE for Valentine's Day candygrams, flowergrams, and lol, even condomgrams! It seems like this year, several clubs are trying to make some money off of valentines day hooplah, and honestly I think it will be in vain.
Hmm...maybe I should jump on this marketing bandwagon by selling Pokebra and Pokepanty sets.
I never really did anything romantic on Valentines Day. I feel like it's almost another one of those days just for companies to make more sales. Even when I was with my ex, we never really did anything special. I think one year he bought me a flower. I used to have a girlish fantasy of being happily surprised on valentines day with a bouquet of flowers and a love letter, or even something nerdy like a pokeball rose! It's not the things I desired, but the sheer effort that someone would take to make me feel special. I'm more realistic nowadays.
What to do for valentines day? There's something I've been wanting to get for awhile now, and I think I might gift it to myself for V-day! Not in a sappy "Forever Alone" way, but just using it as an excuse to finally buy it. Hmm... why not? <3
Monday, February 6, 2012
The Big Cats of the Dating World
Yes that's right, at one time or another, most of us have at least heard the word "cougar" mentioned. But what is a cougar? For that matter, what do the other big cats represent? Well, here's a nice comprehensive list, information courtesy of Urbandictionary.com:
Puma - An attractive woman in her late 20s or early 30s. She is a pre-cougar/urban cougar.
Cougar - an older woman who goes after younger men. Generally in her 40s, but can range from 30s - 50s, and commonly thought of as still somewhat attractive for her age. Her prey consists of men commonly aged 25 or younger.
Leopard - Similar to a cougar, but much classier. Doesn't necesarily prey on younger men, but is more independent.
Jaguar - A woman 50+ that preys on younger men.
Lioness - A woman 60+ that preys on younger men.
Kitten - Woman who likes to date older men, usually around 10 years older or more.
Cheetah - A man who likes to date younger women. male version of a cougar.
Neko - Me. I get a category all to myself. :3 Neko is Japanese for "cat". Koneko is Japanese for "kitten".
And actually this whole research project was spawned from a random realization I had the other day. I realized that I would absolutely love to wear a collar around my neck with a little bell on it. I would feel like the cutest damn thing in the world, lol! Yeah, well, I hope this has been very informative.
Friday, February 3, 2012
Fancy Pants Deans List, whoop dee doo
What's the point of being on the deans list? Oh whoop dee doo, I'm a smarty pants. I knew that >.< That's why I can be lazy and still get A's; I know all the shortcuts to take, and where to put in real effort. I don't need some damn piece of paper telling me I'm badass. Now if I got another scholarship out of it, that'd be something worth celebrating. It's a good thing I was born smart, because I sure as hell don't have looks or wealth.
Oh, that's another thing, dear interwebz: I'm poor. Yeah, even the government doesn't want my taxes >.< Ehh, some people get trapped in poverty, others get born into it and learn to work their ass off to achieve their dreams. I'm working on the latter. I've never had a job I didn't enjoy doing, even if I kind of hated it.
As weird as I know this is going to sound, I love helping people find what they need. I love being their "bitch", I guess would be the colloquial term for it. When I worked at the library, I liked to help people find good books to read. When I worked at a flower shop, I loved helping people find and pick the flowers they liked best. And I would carry things, and take orders, and honestly enjoyed every minute of it. I guess I'm a little weird.
Mn! I also stumbled across a manga that I have fallen in love with! It's called Cosplay Animal! Basically it's about a quirky girl who likes to dress up in cosplays and a school uniform, and it reminds me so much of myself!!! Other than cons and my friends in Anime club, I find it hard to find people who accept this part of me... But it's so much fun to be someone else! It's so awesome to dress up like a cute pokemon and be loved and adored by almost everyone! No one ever wants to give me a hug dressed as an average college student. T_T I also miss wearing my high school uniform. I miss being the cute-and-weird school girl. I miss the comfort of my uniform. The ease of having my outfit pre-determined every morning, and yet it was always so goddamned adorable! *sparkly eyes*
I'm 20. I'm getting too old and before I know it, I won't be able to dress up and be cute anymore! I'll just be... weird. I'll never be able to pull of sexy quite right, but at least I can do cute. For now.
Oh, that's another thing, dear interwebz: I'm poor. Yeah, even the government doesn't want my taxes >.< Ehh, some people get trapped in poverty, others get born into it and learn to work their ass off to achieve their dreams. I'm working on the latter. I've never had a job I didn't enjoy doing, even if I kind of hated it.
As weird as I know this is going to sound, I love helping people find what they need. I love being their "bitch", I guess would be the colloquial term for it. When I worked at the library, I liked to help people find good books to read. When I worked at a flower shop, I loved helping people find and pick the flowers they liked best. And I would carry things, and take orders, and honestly enjoyed every minute of it. I guess I'm a little weird.
Mn! I also stumbled across a manga that I have fallen in love with! It's called Cosplay Animal! Basically it's about a quirky girl who likes to dress up in cosplays and a school uniform, and it reminds me so much of myself!!! Other than cons and my friends in Anime club, I find it hard to find people who accept this part of me... But it's so much fun to be someone else! It's so awesome to dress up like a cute pokemon and be loved and adored by almost everyone! No one ever wants to give me a hug dressed as an average college student. T_T I also miss wearing my high school uniform. I miss being the cute-and-weird school girl. I miss the comfort of my uniform. The ease of having my outfit pre-determined every morning, and yet it was always so goddamned adorable! *sparkly eyes*
I'm 20. I'm getting too old and before I know it, I won't be able to dress up and be cute anymore! I'll just be... weird. I'll never be able to pull of sexy quite right, but at least I can do cute. For now.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Roommates can be very loud sometimes.
This article was very inspiring, and I have to say, I agree for the most part~! Makes me feel good about being single, because it's mostly true. I haven't had a male friendship since junior high, before my relationship. It feel kinda nice to talk to guys on friendly terms again. I forgot how weird they can be. Actually... other than my ex, I've never had heterosexual male friends before! XD (Now my best friend from Kindergarden through elementary school... he was a different story! One of the most awesome guys I've ever met, though.)
So earlier today, right after I woke up, this is how I felt:
8:00 AM "Dammit! My ex wont even leave me alone in my sleep! So I had a rough time sleeping last night. My roommates were unnaturally awake and watching a movie together in our common room until 2am, while I was trying to sleep. It was so loud... that's probably what caused my tossing and turning and weird dreams."
The dream:
For some reason, I was in a house or hotel playing video-games, and I guess my ex said that he was going to play with me. But he was acting like an as... just like at Ohayocon! Only in my dream, I actually saw his mean-ass douche face saying nasty things after I waited around for him to join me in playing video-games.
So then I walk into a darkish room with the TV flickering on the faces of two of his friends (but no resemblance to anyone in real life). They were playing video-games, one guy was sitting on a chair and the other was laying in a bed. I asked them WTF was going on with my ex, and they shrugged. But they were nice. Somehow I ended up sitting in bed, sort of snuggled next to the one guy who took my game controller and was helping me get past this one level. (at this point, the video-game featured Fry from Futurama as the main character... it was weird...)
END DREAM
Long story short, the dream wasn't a total fail. It definitely seemed loosely based off the incidents from Ohayocon (minus the video-game snuggling in some random guy's bed. Not like that doesn't seem extremely appealing, though!) Maybe the video-game is life and dream-me is frustrated that my ex didn't keep his promises to help me beat the level (certain life stages), but the dream shows that I'll work hard on my own and maybe another person will come along and pick up where he left off and help me out.
Dreams are so much safer and easier than real life, though. Sure, I could play video games with some random person or guy. But who knows, I could get kidnapped, raped, tortured, murdered, turned into a cannibal's dinner, or worse!
;_; But... I want to go have fun! I want to live my life to the fullest! I want to play video games and not stay stuck at this level! DX
So earlier today, right after I woke up, this is how I felt:
8:00 AM "Dammit! My ex wont even leave me alone in my sleep! So I had a rough time sleeping last night. My roommates were unnaturally awake and watching a movie together in our common room until 2am, while I was trying to sleep. It was so loud... that's probably what caused my tossing and turning and weird dreams."
The dream:
For some reason, I was in a house or hotel playing video-games, and I guess my ex said that he was going to play with me. But he was acting like an as... just like at Ohayocon! Only in my dream, I actually saw his mean-ass douche face saying nasty things after I waited around for him to join me in playing video-games.
So then I walk into a darkish room with the TV flickering on the faces of two of his friends (but no resemblance to anyone in real life). They were playing video-games, one guy was sitting on a chair and the other was laying in a bed. I asked them WTF was going on with my ex, and they shrugged. But they were nice. Somehow I ended up sitting in bed, sort of snuggled next to the one guy who took my game controller and was helping me get past this one level. (at this point, the video-game featured Fry from Futurama as the main character... it was weird...)
END DREAM
Long story short, the dream wasn't a total fail. It definitely seemed loosely based off the incidents from Ohayocon (minus the video-game snuggling in some random guy's bed. Not like that doesn't seem extremely appealing, though!) Maybe the video-game is life and dream-me is frustrated that my ex didn't keep his promises to help me beat the level (certain life stages), but the dream shows that I'll work hard on my own and maybe another person will come along and pick up where he left off and help me out.
Dreams are so much safer and easier than real life, though. Sure, I could play video games with some random person or guy. But who knows, I could get kidnapped, raped, tortured, murdered, turned into a cannibal's dinner, or worse!
;_; But... I want to go have fun! I want to live my life to the fullest! I want to play video games and not stay stuck at this level! DX
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