Sometimes I really hate myself.
I deserve an award: Worlds Biggest Bitch. I've recently discovered many broken hearts over the suddenness of my new relationship. And I feel like such a goddamn asshole because of it.
What does the word "friend" mean to a guy? "Friend now, fuck buddy/date later"? I'm starting to think that it is interpreted differently among different genders. Or perhaps, I am not well versed in reading people's other intentions, without needing it to be spelled out.
If I could, I'd take back everything. I'd go back to being the ugly, undesirable nobody that spent her days crying in her room out of loneliness. I would take it all back, to give back the happiness of those from whom I have stolen it, unknowingly.
For the first time in adulthood, I was single, and trying to make the most of it. I wasn't trying to fuck around (in fact, I was seriously afraid of meeting people and getting raped or murdered). I just wanted to get to know people and make friends, maybe try flirting.
I fucking quit. I don't know what the world wants from me anymore. This isn't who I am. I am not a self-centered bitch who enjoys hurting others. I'm the one who wants to heal all the hurt of everyone. You cant be self-sacrificing for everyone, because not only does that tear you apart, but you cant possibly satisfy everyone's needs anyway. Sometimes, you have to pick and choose which tasks you can handle, and which ones are out of your hands.
Perhaps it was just a bad decision to join a dating website to begin with. Everyone there has some sort of pain or longing to be with another person. And being inable to say "no", I get hurled along into this vortex of compassion and pain, longing and desire.
Emotions. Why must they be so difficult? What does it all mean? Why should I even go looking for my own happiness in life when it must always come at the expense of others?
How can I stop the pain?
Most people on dating websites are crazy people, so I wouldn't worry too much about them. Most of them are probably just trying to guilt you into sex.
ReplyDeleteListen, you did what you needed to do. You found someone after trudging through probably dozens of men that you didn't feel like you were compatible with. That's the point. If guys are getting hurt because you weren't interested, that's their fault, not yours. You've done nothing wrong.
Thank you for commenting! :)
DeleteI have to respectfully disagree with your comment on people on dating websites, however. Although it's true there are a small handful that are crazy and/or creepy, the few I have come to know are really wonderful people who just want to find somebody to love. That's all. That's anybody really wants in life, isn't it?
Rationalizing your weaknesses and downfalls through self-deception is a path that does not lead to righteousness.
ReplyDelete