Closure? Perhaps.

After spending several days being depressed and possibly suicidal, I might be coming close to a breakthrough.

Physical health: medium (recovering)
Mental health: medium
Emotional heath: moderate (Recovering from hitting rock-bottom)

I came home for the weekend. I have not been home since winter break. An old friend of mine came over and we had a good time catching up with each other. What I did not expect, however, was to learn more details about what was going on with my ex boyfriend. She told me he's dated a couple girls, but he recently broke up with the most recent one. I learned more about his "group" of friends. I found out that some of them had negative opinions of me and thought that I called him too much, and that possibly caused him to think so as well. This explains why he started to act weird earlier last semester whenever I would call. Instead of directly telling me that his friends thought that I called too much, he just acted weird and distant about it. And then, when I was telling my friend about what my ex said DURRING the break up, she told me that it sounded EXACTLY like what a specific friend of his would say. Now it makes more sense that my ex had a panic attack when I took all the pictures he had of us, the ring he gave me, and anything else that might remind him of us, put it all in a box and tried to throw them away. I told him that, because he was giving me up, I would not let him keep any part of me. He honestly would not let me throw it away, and he looked so pained and scared. Now I know it's because his words were not his own, he didn't truly believe them. I know that now. I wish I had known that then.

[I still have the box. And I will probably keep it so that one day I can tell my future children the story of my first love, and how he turned into a psychopath, and how thankful I will be that my future husband is their father and not that fool.]

Lets step back a moment. This friend of mine that I was speaking with. She was involved with the "group" and friends with the people too at one point. But after some drama, she left and stopped talking to the people involved. What I understand from it, the group performed generalized random spiritual things. Things dealing with demons and spirits, etc. Doing dangerous things with demons.

Now, I am normally very open and accepting of other beliefs and religions. But what screams CULT about this group in particular, in my mind, is the amount of control and influence these people had over my ex boyfriend. He had hardly known them for a year. Him and I had been best friends for 4 years, and we had been dating for 3 of those 4 years. We had a very intimate friendship and trust. Somehow, these people had enough influence over him to get him to break up with me, and break off pretty much all communication, and to lie to me and say mean things to me after the break up.

An online friend of mine told me about his spirituality/religion which was similar, I think some sort of pagan. But he was explaining to me the costs of spells and such. Depending on the action, different spiritual things have different Karma consequences. This would explain why my ex boyfriend's life is going to hell right now. Or perhaps, his joining of this group is to give himself a feeling of belonging and to boost his ego and self esteem that have been depleted by recent events in his life. His father is an alcoholic and cheats on his mother. She finally kicked him out of the house, and started dating new guys. My ex has always had a rough time fitting in. He's what I'd like to call "a social whore". He will change aspects of himself in order to fit in and gain more attention.

This is what makes him an easy victim for a cult (and cult-like groups).

He claims to be a master of psychology, and yet he fails to see how easily he falls prey to simple psychological mechanisms and techniques. I pity him. I honestly pity him. Because of his weakness to suggestion, he's lost out on his chance to be happy with me. I am a good person. I love with everything I have, and I don't attempt to manipulate other people for personal gain. If there is one goal in life, it's to help as many people as I can. Because I have been in those footsteps. I have walked in those shoes, of pain, loneliness, and suffering. If we all just had a little more compassion, we could really make the world a wonderful place to live.

I am now very thankful for my current boyfriend. He is very sweet to me. He stayed with me yesterday, and probably doesnt know how serious my depression was at that time, but I was very comforted by the fact that he was there. It kept me from doing anything that I might have regretted.

Now, I am feeling much more at peace. I have let go of any feelings of anger I had toward my ex boyfriend. The only thing I have left is pity and compassion for him. He gave me up. And then a red-bearded nerdy angel swooped down and stole my heart away. It might take some time before I can reach the level of trust necessary to give him my entire heart, but I know for sure that one day I will be whole again. I can feel it. Being home has helped me regain a sense of who I am... especially, the person I was before my ex ever came into my life.

So I end this entry with a friendly message. No matter what, you are always loved and you are always necessary. You might feel like you've hit rock bottom and want to surrender your life, but hope is always just around the corner. When you've hit rock bottom, the only way left to go is up. And if you ever need someone, I will always be here. I might not know you, and we may never meet. But if you have ever known the feeling of loneliness or worthlessness, know that I love you.