Last night I had two dreams about my ex. He didn't even cross my MIND yesterday! All I did was go to class, go to work, and play pokemon. I'm really tired that he keeps popping into my subconsciousness. And the dream content is really really dumb!
In the first dream, (in addition to a lot of other weird random things that happened), basically I ran across my ex wearing chainmaille and walking alone through one of the fairs we used to go to. I think I was with my mom or one of my girl friends. I was so angry, I ran up to him yelling and screaming at him. I told him how much he has fucked me up. I told him what an asshole he was for what he did to me. I think I even grabbed his shirt at one point and shook him. And he just sort of shrugged and didn't look very phased.
I woke up, got some water, fell back asleep and had another dream:
In this one, I was aware of the previous dream that I had. For some reason, I was chilling alone with my ex in the shade of a tree telling him about it. He was sitting in a bamboo chair, and I was sitting along the edge. We were talking like we were actually friends, I did not talk angrily, but plain and simple, maybe with a tad of frustration. I told him how I was so angry in the dream towards him. I told him that he should have told me that he didn't want to see me at Ohayocon, and he should have told me that he had to babysit his girlfriend the whole time. Then I was asking him about how he was doing, how his family was, how his dog was. I told him that our fish was doing well. I told him that I was concerned about his well-being due to the "activities" that he's been involved with. Then the dream sort of trailed off.
I woke up feeling pretty okay. I do admit that a few days ago, my pain had resurfaced. I got very depressed and cried again because he made (and still makes) me feel worthless. If I was thrown away by such a helpless, pitiful person, what does that say about me? It means I must be lower than low. I must be someone not even worth friendship. Perhaps I was right back in Junior High: back then I believed that I was born to suffer. And my ego-boosting explanation was that perhaps my suffering would relieve the suffering of other people. It was foolish reasoning, I know, but I was in a deep depression back then. Perhaps I never fully recovered. No, I did. I recovered because my ex showed me that there were people like me, sad and lonely, and that we could cure each other by trust and love. I keep thinking back on my Junior High days because now those feelings are multiplied by the recent betrayal of friendship by the one person I had learned to trust.
And I am so very worried that all of this is going to ruin myself for my current relationship. He even commented that when we first started dating, I was happy all the time, and recently, I've just seemed to be sick and depressed all the time. He makes me really happy, but I cant help but feel dissonance. One person throws me away, and now this person has nothing but positive things to tell me? I am so hurt and confused. What is there to love about me? I'm filth, garbage, moldy leftovers, worthless.
I'm still trying to work through this. I want to be whole again. I want to be the best person I can be, for myself, for my friends, for my boyfriend.
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