So, today is day 2 of antidepressants.
And seriously, all I can say is: So THIS is what life is like for normal people???
Seriously, it's like, kittens and rainbows and unicorns and HAPPINESS!
I even thought about things that would have made me cry a few days ago (aka, my ex), and still, HAPPEEEE!!!
Lets see how this goes over more time. But so far, kitten loves it! =^_^= I seriously feel more like my rarely seen happy side: I want to put on cat ears and prance around in cute clothing!
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Closure? Perhaps.
After spending several days being depressed and possibly suicidal, I might be coming close to a breakthrough.
Physical health: medium (recovering)
Mental health: medium
Emotional heath: moderate (Recovering from hitting rock-bottom)
I came home for the weekend. I have not been home since winter break. An old friend of mine came over and we had a good time catching up with each other. What I did not expect, however, was to learn more details about what was going on with my ex boyfriend. She told me he's dated a couple girls, but he recently broke up with the most recent one. I learned more about his "group" of friends. I found out that some of them had negative opinions of me and thought that I called him too much, and that possibly caused him to think so as well. This explains why he started to act weird earlier last semester whenever I would call. Instead of directly telling me that his friends thought that I called too much, he just acted weird and distant about it. And then, when I was telling my friend about what my ex said DURRING the break up, she told me that it sounded EXACTLY like what a specific friend of his would say. Now it makes more sense that my ex had a panic attack when I took all the pictures he had of us, the ring he gave me, and anything else that might remind him of us, put it all in a box and tried to throw them away. I told him that, because he was giving me up, I would not let him keep any part of me. He honestly would not let me throw it away, and he looked so pained and scared. Now I know it's because his words were not his own, he didn't truly believe them. I know that now. I wish I had known that then.
[I still have the box. And I will probably keep it so that one day I can tell my future children the story of my first love, and how he turned into a psychopath, and how thankful I will be that my future husband is their father and not that fool.]
Lets step back a moment. This friend of mine that I was speaking with. She was involved with the "group" and friends with the people too at one point. But after some drama, she left and stopped talking to the people involved. What I understand from it, the group performed generalized random spiritual things. Things dealing with demons and spirits, etc. Doing dangerous things with demons.
Now, I am normally very open and accepting of other beliefs and religions. But what screams CULT about this group in particular, in my mind, is the amount of control and influence these people had over my ex boyfriend. He had hardly known them for a year. Him and I had been best friends for 4 years, and we had been dating for 3 of those 4 years. We had a very intimate friendship and trust. Somehow, these people had enough influence over him to get him to break up with me, and break off pretty much all communication, and to lie to me and say mean things to me after the break up.
An online friend of mine told me about his spirituality/religion which was similar, I think some sort of pagan. But he was explaining to me the costs of spells and such. Depending on the action, different spiritual things have different Karma consequences. This would explain why my ex boyfriend's life is going to hell right now. Or perhaps, his joining of this group is to give himself a feeling of belonging and to boost his ego and self esteem that have been depleted by recent events in his life. His father is an alcoholic and cheats on his mother. She finally kicked him out of the house, and started dating new guys. My ex has always had a rough time fitting in. He's what I'd like to call "a social whore". He will change aspects of himself in order to fit in and gain more attention.
This is what makes him an easy victim for a cult (and cult-like groups).
He claims to be a master of psychology, and yet he fails to see how easily he falls prey to simple psychological mechanisms and techniques. I pity him. I honestly pity him. Because of his weakness to suggestion, he's lost out on his chance to be happy with me. I am a good person. I love with everything I have, and I don't attempt to manipulate other people for personal gain. If there is one goal in life, it's to help as many people as I can. Because I have been in those footsteps. I have walked in those shoes, of pain, loneliness, and suffering. If we all just had a little more compassion, we could really make the world a wonderful place to live.
I am now very thankful for my current boyfriend. He is very sweet to me. He stayed with me yesterday, and probably doesnt know how serious my depression was at that time, but I was very comforted by the fact that he was there. It kept me from doing anything that I might have regretted.
Now, I am feeling much more at peace. I have let go of any feelings of anger I had toward my ex boyfriend. The only thing I have left is pity and compassion for him. He gave me up. And then a red-bearded nerdy angel swooped down and stole my heart away. It might take some time before I can reach the level of trust necessary to give him my entire heart, but I know for sure that one day I will be whole again. I can feel it. Being home has helped me regain a sense of who I am... especially, the person I was before my ex ever came into my life.
So I end this entry with a friendly message. No matter what, you are always loved and you are always necessary. You might feel like you've hit rock bottom and want to surrender your life, but hope is always just around the corner. When you've hit rock bottom, the only way left to go is up. And if you ever need someone, I will always be here. I might not know you, and we may never meet. But if you have ever known the feeling of loneliness or worthlessness, know that I love you.
Physical health: medium (recovering)
Mental health: medium
Emotional heath: moderate (Recovering from hitting rock-bottom)
I came home for the weekend. I have not been home since winter break. An old friend of mine came over and we had a good time catching up with each other. What I did not expect, however, was to learn more details about what was going on with my ex boyfriend. She told me he's dated a couple girls, but he recently broke up with the most recent one. I learned more about his "group" of friends. I found out that some of them had negative opinions of me and thought that I called him too much, and that possibly caused him to think so as well. This explains why he started to act weird earlier last semester whenever I would call. Instead of directly telling me that his friends thought that I called too much, he just acted weird and distant about it. And then, when I was telling my friend about what my ex said DURRING the break up, she told me that it sounded EXACTLY like what a specific friend of his would say. Now it makes more sense that my ex had a panic attack when I took all the pictures he had of us, the ring he gave me, and anything else that might remind him of us, put it all in a box and tried to throw them away. I told him that, because he was giving me up, I would not let him keep any part of me. He honestly would not let me throw it away, and he looked so pained and scared. Now I know it's because his words were not his own, he didn't truly believe them. I know that now. I wish I had known that then.
[I still have the box. And I will probably keep it so that one day I can tell my future children the story of my first love, and how he turned into a psychopath, and how thankful I will be that my future husband is their father and not that fool.]
Lets step back a moment. This friend of mine that I was speaking with. She was involved with the "group" and friends with the people too at one point. But after some drama, she left and stopped talking to the people involved. What I understand from it, the group performed generalized random spiritual things. Things dealing with demons and spirits, etc. Doing dangerous things with demons.
Now, I am normally very open and accepting of other beliefs and religions. But what screams CULT about this group in particular, in my mind, is the amount of control and influence these people had over my ex boyfriend. He had hardly known them for a year. Him and I had been best friends for 4 years, and we had been dating for 3 of those 4 years. We had a very intimate friendship and trust. Somehow, these people had enough influence over him to get him to break up with me, and break off pretty much all communication, and to lie to me and say mean things to me after the break up.
An online friend of mine told me about his spirituality/religion which was similar, I think some sort of pagan. But he was explaining to me the costs of spells and such. Depending on the action, different spiritual things have different Karma consequences. This would explain why my ex boyfriend's life is going to hell right now. Or perhaps, his joining of this group is to give himself a feeling of belonging and to boost his ego and self esteem that have been depleted by recent events in his life. His father is an alcoholic and cheats on his mother. She finally kicked him out of the house, and started dating new guys. My ex has always had a rough time fitting in. He's what I'd like to call "a social whore". He will change aspects of himself in order to fit in and gain more attention.
This is what makes him an easy victim for a cult (and cult-like groups).
He claims to be a master of psychology, and yet he fails to see how easily he falls prey to simple psychological mechanisms and techniques. I pity him. I honestly pity him. Because of his weakness to suggestion, he's lost out on his chance to be happy with me. I am a good person. I love with everything I have, and I don't attempt to manipulate other people for personal gain. If there is one goal in life, it's to help as many people as I can. Because I have been in those footsteps. I have walked in those shoes, of pain, loneliness, and suffering. If we all just had a little more compassion, we could really make the world a wonderful place to live.
I am now very thankful for my current boyfriend. He is very sweet to me. He stayed with me yesterday, and probably doesnt know how serious my depression was at that time, but I was very comforted by the fact that he was there. It kept me from doing anything that I might have regretted.
Now, I am feeling much more at peace. I have let go of any feelings of anger I had toward my ex boyfriend. The only thing I have left is pity and compassion for him. He gave me up. And then a red-bearded nerdy angel swooped down and stole my heart away. It might take some time before I can reach the level of trust necessary to give him my entire heart, but I know for sure that one day I will be whole again. I can feel it. Being home has helped me regain a sense of who I am... especially, the person I was before my ex ever came into my life.
So I end this entry with a friendly message. No matter what, you are always loved and you are always necessary. You might feel like you've hit rock bottom and want to surrender your life, but hope is always just around the corner. When you've hit rock bottom, the only way left to go is up. And if you ever need someone, I will always be here. I might not know you, and we may never meet. But if you have ever known the feeling of loneliness or worthlessness, know that I love you.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Letters from the heart
Over the course of the next week or so, each day I will post a different letter on my blog. They will be to various people. They will probably never get read by the intended recipients, but hopefully this will help me continue to clear out the bad feelings within my heart and push through my loving empathetic self again.
Keep an eye out for these (and possibly more):
- To my first love
- To my arch nemesis
- To a special person
- To my best friend
- To my parents
- To myself
- To a friend
- To a stranger
Keep an eye out for these (and possibly more):
- To my first love
- To my arch nemesis
- To a special person
- To my best friend
- To my parents
- To myself
- To a friend
- To a stranger
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Leave my dreams alone!
Last night I had two dreams about my ex. He didn't even cross my MIND yesterday! All I did was go to class, go to work, and play pokemon. I'm really tired that he keeps popping into my subconsciousness. And the dream content is really really dumb!
In the first dream, (in addition to a lot of other weird random things that happened), basically I ran across my ex wearing chainmaille and walking alone through one of the fairs we used to go to. I think I was with my mom or one of my girl friends. I was so angry, I ran up to him yelling and screaming at him. I told him how much he has fucked me up. I told him what an asshole he was for what he did to me. I think I even grabbed his shirt at one point and shook him. And he just sort of shrugged and didn't look very phased.
I woke up, got some water, fell back asleep and had another dream:
In this one, I was aware of the previous dream that I had. For some reason, I was chilling alone with my ex in the shade of a tree telling him about it. He was sitting in a bamboo chair, and I was sitting along the edge. We were talking like we were actually friends, I did not talk angrily, but plain and simple, maybe with a tad of frustration. I told him how I was so angry in the dream towards him. I told him that he should have told me that he didn't want to see me at Ohayocon, and he should have told me that he had to babysit his girlfriend the whole time. Then I was asking him about how he was doing, how his family was, how his dog was. I told him that our fish was doing well. I told him that I was concerned about his well-being due to the "activities" that he's been involved with. Then the dream sort of trailed off.
I woke up feeling pretty okay. I do admit that a few days ago, my pain had resurfaced. I got very depressed and cried again because he made (and still makes) me feel worthless. If I was thrown away by such a helpless, pitiful person, what does that say about me? It means I must be lower than low. I must be someone not even worth friendship. Perhaps I was right back in Junior High: back then I believed that I was born to suffer. And my ego-boosting explanation was that perhaps my suffering would relieve the suffering of other people. It was foolish reasoning, I know, but I was in a deep depression back then. Perhaps I never fully recovered. No, I did. I recovered because my ex showed me that there were people like me, sad and lonely, and that we could cure each other by trust and love. I keep thinking back on my Junior High days because now those feelings are multiplied by the recent betrayal of friendship by the one person I had learned to trust.
And I am so very worried that all of this is going to ruin myself for my current relationship. He even commented that when we first started dating, I was happy all the time, and recently, I've just seemed to be sick and depressed all the time. He makes me really happy, but I cant help but feel dissonance. One person throws me away, and now this person has nothing but positive things to tell me? I am so hurt and confused. What is there to love about me? I'm filth, garbage, moldy leftovers, worthless.
I'm still trying to work through this. I want to be whole again. I want to be the best person I can be, for myself, for my friends, for my boyfriend.
In the first dream, (in addition to a lot of other weird random things that happened), basically I ran across my ex wearing chainmaille and walking alone through one of the fairs we used to go to. I think I was with my mom or one of my girl friends. I was so angry, I ran up to him yelling and screaming at him. I told him how much he has fucked me up. I told him what an asshole he was for what he did to me. I think I even grabbed his shirt at one point and shook him. And he just sort of shrugged and didn't look very phased.
I woke up, got some water, fell back asleep and had another dream:
In this one, I was aware of the previous dream that I had. For some reason, I was chilling alone with my ex in the shade of a tree telling him about it. He was sitting in a bamboo chair, and I was sitting along the edge. We were talking like we were actually friends, I did not talk angrily, but plain and simple, maybe with a tad of frustration. I told him how I was so angry in the dream towards him. I told him that he should have told me that he didn't want to see me at Ohayocon, and he should have told me that he had to babysit his girlfriend the whole time. Then I was asking him about how he was doing, how his family was, how his dog was. I told him that our fish was doing well. I told him that I was concerned about his well-being due to the "activities" that he's been involved with. Then the dream sort of trailed off.
I woke up feeling pretty okay. I do admit that a few days ago, my pain had resurfaced. I got very depressed and cried again because he made (and still makes) me feel worthless. If I was thrown away by such a helpless, pitiful person, what does that say about me? It means I must be lower than low. I must be someone not even worth friendship. Perhaps I was right back in Junior High: back then I believed that I was born to suffer. And my ego-boosting explanation was that perhaps my suffering would relieve the suffering of other people. It was foolish reasoning, I know, but I was in a deep depression back then. Perhaps I never fully recovered. No, I did. I recovered because my ex showed me that there were people like me, sad and lonely, and that we could cure each other by trust and love. I keep thinking back on my Junior High days because now those feelings are multiplied by the recent betrayal of friendship by the one person I had learned to trust.
And I am so very worried that all of this is going to ruin myself for my current relationship. He even commented that when we first started dating, I was happy all the time, and recently, I've just seemed to be sick and depressed all the time. He makes me really happy, but I cant help but feel dissonance. One person throws me away, and now this person has nothing but positive things to tell me? I am so hurt and confused. What is there to love about me? I'm filth, garbage, moldy leftovers, worthless.
I'm still trying to work through this. I want to be whole again. I want to be the best person I can be, for myself, for my friends, for my boyfriend.
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