Spring Break

I am sad that my spring break is almost over, I was quite enjoying myself. Sleeping in until noon or later every day, spending time with my boyfriend after he gets off work, among other things. I'm so excited, I got a Columbus Metropolitan Library card! :3

In addition to relaxing and finally recovering from being sick, I've learned a few things about myself this week.

First of all, despite all efforts to otherwise control it, I am an emotional creature. I cried myself to sleep 3 times in the past week over various issues that have been on my mind: being technically homeless, emotional damage from my past relationship, worry over my current relationship, loneliness, stressing about school and being sick, and other miscellaneous things.

Second, related to the issue above, I might have finally found an effective way to cope with my emotional trauma. I deleted my ex from facebook and google+. The person who he is now is someone unworthy of my attention or my concern.

I have mentally split him into two different entities:

• there is the boy that was my first love, who I will probably always remember as being the sweet (if sometimes dumb) person I remember him as. Sadly, that person is (for lack of a better term) dead. 

•  The other is the person who he is now: a stranger unknown to me. A tool, an idiot, a douche-bag, a cult-member. In a way, I pity him. He will never be able to be himself, because he is constantly changing who he is in order to gain the most favor and attention from those around him. It's a shame, really. 

I guess it's not too uncommon for breakups to occur because of cult-like religious groups. I heard a heartbreaking story from one of my boyfriend's friends. The gist I got from the story was that he was peer pressured by his religious group to break up with his girlfriend of 7 years because she was taking too much of his time. Months later, she is dating someone else, and he seems really heartbroken and depressed. It made me wonder if my ex dumped me because he was just an idiot, or maybe he was pressured into it. It really doesn't matter to me anymore. I found something good this time.

After reading through my journals, both on my computer and in my desk drawer, I can see my relationship from a clearer perspective. It took me a loooong time to feel satisfied with my first love. It wasn't that I hated him when we first started dating; I was excited to start my first relationship with him, but I discovered early on that there were many things that didn't feel "right" about the relationship.  I even once made a chart to compare the "positive" and "negative" attributes about staying in a relationship with him (not seriously of course, just to organize my thoughts). [It wasn't until after a year or two into the relationship that I developed a long-lasting love and commitment to him. And THEN he has a mid-mid-life crisis, joins a cult, and decides he's not ready to be an adult yet. And completely abandons me with a request of "remaining good friends" and not even answering my messages to get all my shit from his house. I have no room in my life for a friend like that. If he wants to fuck up his life, then I'm glad I'm out of it.

Hopefully this will be the last time I ever post about that poor idiot. If this continues, I might try getting hypnotherapy for it.

I am thankful for the person I am now, I hope I can continue to grow stronger. I am thankful for my wonderful boyfriend, I hope things will continue to go well with our relationship.

Also, for my memory's sake: March 15.