Once again, I am sick. And when I get sick, I my grades slip. And both of those conditions cause me to get depressed.
I'm worried that my constant whining over text is bothering my boyfriend. I get really needy and emotional when I get sick. Its not that I can't take care of myself, it's just that I want someone to be somewhere nearby and pet my head occasionally. Okay, in all honesty, I want someone to cuddle me and pet my head the entire time I'm sick. But I know that's an unrealistic wish. He wants to come take care of me, but I don't want him to see me looking all
I have an awful cold sore on my lip. It has led me to frustrating contemplations about how in the world I got the herpes simplex virus in my mouth. I've had it since I was pretty little, at least before I was 10. I didn't have my first mouth to mouth kiss until I was 17. I never really allowed myself to get too touchy and affectionate with relatives and other small kids when I was little, but the most likely explanation is that I got it from one of my family's get-togethers, where tons of food was shared and whatnot.
So back to my illness. Today I had one of the worst heartburn/acid reflux episodes ever. It started at work, about 2 in the afternoon. It sort of faded, but it woke me up again a few hours after I took a nap, and I almost wanted to go to the hospital. I downed two Tums like a boss, and it subsided to the point where I could breathe and think again, but the pain was (and still is) there.
I have an appointment at the health clinic tomorrow. Hopefully they will be able to do something for me this time. I hate feeling sick, I hate feeling needy. I feel guilty when others express concern for me and their desires to take care of me.
On a comedic note, I asked my friend and my roommate that if I were to die, if they could please do me the honor of having me cremated and making a smoothie with my ashes and secretly feeding it to my ex.
Did I mention... I also get bitchy when sick? Yeah, that'd be his "reward" for what he did to me. He fucked me up and now I have a fucking psychosis. Because of him, I now have abandonment issues. I'm afraid with my insecurity and fear is going to ruin my new relationship. I don't want to mess this up, I have a feeling that I have something good and solid here. It happened suddenly but... it feels like there's already a sense of gravity pulling me closer and closer. I like this guy a lot. And I'm already so scared of losing him.
Not just him, but I fear abandonment by friends as well. I've had fears of friendship abandonment for much longer, dating back to my elementary school days. I'm also constantly afraid that my good friends will drift away... and more often than not, they do. I don't want to be alone, but it's so difficult to keep up friendships from far away if it's one-sided.
Anyway, it's time for this sick little kitten to finish her essay and get some sleep. Oyasuminasai!
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