Planned Parenthood: a personal evaluation

First, some things you should know about me before calling me a "slut" or a "baby killer".

1) I am a woman. I have a vagina. I also have a brain.
2) I take a birth control pill to control a hormone imbalance, but I also use it for other purposes.
3) I am not a "slut". Yes, I am "active". I have had two partners. I probably would have only had one, had he not run off to join a cult and turn into a total douchebag.
4) I'm the most shy, timid girl you'd probably ever meet. I'm often afraid to walk into rooms/classrooms because the door is shut.
5) I come from a poor family, but I am by no means a "poor girl". I've made my way through highschool and college so far by making the most of my intelligence to obtain scholarships (I have almost a full ride at a 50k school, so please don't tell me that women are dumb and can't make intelligent decisions.)
6) I am writing this because people (men especially) need to know that Planned Parenthood isn't just some giant evil organization bent on killing all fetuses in the world and promoting sexual activity. I honestly think we need to put more funding into organizations like this because it really helps women get the access to healthcare and birth control that they need, and gives access to STD testing to both men and women. It's also very very helpful for spreading information, like STD awareness.

I had decided to go to a Planned Parenthood because I want to be responsible about my sexuality. I've been having some issues, so I wanted to get that checked out in addition to having some STD testing done. I could have gone to my college's health center, but I do not have health insurance, and the STD test prices were pretty high even for the discounted student price. Do you have any idea just how expensive it is for a women's health care???

My experience was far from what one might expect. There were no protestors outside. I walked in, and the staff there were all so friendly and helpful. I sat in the waiting room and filled out a ton of paperwork. (I made the silly mistake of putting the wrong date on all the forms, but the girl behind the counter was really nice and told me not to worry about it.) The wait was a bit long, but then I finally got taken back to a room.

A nice girl took my weight and height, then asked me a few questions. She gave me a "new patient" envelope with some information and free condoms. Then she left, and a while later the doctor came in. She talked to me about my questions and concerns. Did some doctorly things. Sent off my test samples.

According to my income level, I got a pretty hefty discount. The doctor gave me some medicine and 3 months worth of birth control pills (since it was cheaper than what I've been paying for mine to keep my periods regular). All-in-all, my total visit was around 50 bucks, which is pretty darn good considering just the office visit would have cost me 90 alone. Even just the 50 dollars had me feeling a little concerned. But the girl at the desk was very nice, telling me that I can just have it billed and just pay off what I can.


At no point during my visit was I ever encouraged to procreate as many guys as I pleased. Going to PP did not make me feel more likely to engage in sexual activities. Actually, having gone, I feel much more relieved about my health and feel that my decision to go was very responsible.

So overall, it was a very positive experience. I don't see why so many people are so angry and passionate about this. I think if conservative republican men were required to walk a mile in woman's shoes, they'd think twice about  being so vehement towards our plights. It costs a lot to be a woman. We have to pay more for health insurance, we get paid less in wages, and we have to put up with bullshit sexist remarks and policies.

Spring Break

I am sad that my spring break is almost over, I was quite enjoying myself. Sleeping in until noon or later every day, spending time with my boyfriend after he gets off work, among other things. I'm so excited, I got a Columbus Metropolitan Library card! :3

In addition to relaxing and finally recovering from being sick, I've learned a few things about myself this week.

First of all, despite all efforts to otherwise control it, I am an emotional creature. I cried myself to sleep 3 times in the past week over various issues that have been on my mind: being technically homeless, emotional damage from my past relationship, worry over my current relationship, loneliness, stressing about school and being sick, and other miscellaneous things.

Second, related to the issue above, I might have finally found an effective way to cope with my emotional trauma. I deleted my ex from facebook and google+. The person who he is now is someone unworthy of my attention or my concern.

I have mentally split him into two different entities:

• there is the boy that was my first love, who I will probably always remember as being the sweet (if sometimes dumb) person I remember him as. Sadly, that person is (for lack of a better term) dead. 

•  The other is the person who he is now: a stranger unknown to me. A tool, an idiot, a douche-bag, a cult-member. In a way, I pity him. He will never be able to be himself, because he is constantly changing who he is in order to gain the most favor and attention from those around him. It's a shame, really. 

I guess it's not too uncommon for breakups to occur because of cult-like religious groups. I heard a heartbreaking story from one of my boyfriend's friends. The gist I got from the story was that he was peer pressured by his religious group to break up with his girlfriend of 7 years because she was taking too much of his time. Months later, she is dating someone else, and he seems really heartbroken and depressed. It made me wonder if my ex dumped me because he was just an idiot, or maybe he was pressured into it. It really doesn't matter to me anymore. I found something good this time.

After reading through my journals, both on my computer and in my desk drawer, I can see my relationship from a clearer perspective. It took me a loooong time to feel satisfied with my first love. It wasn't that I hated him when we first started dating; I was excited to start my first relationship with him, but I discovered early on that there were many things that didn't feel "right" about the relationship.  I even once made a chart to compare the "positive" and "negative" attributes about staying in a relationship with him (not seriously of course, just to organize my thoughts). [It wasn't until after a year or two into the relationship that I developed a long-lasting love and commitment to him. And THEN he has a mid-mid-life crisis, joins a cult, and decides he's not ready to be an adult yet. And completely abandons me with a request of "remaining good friends" and not even answering my messages to get all my shit from his house. I have no room in my life for a friend like that. If he wants to fuck up his life, then I'm glad I'm out of it.

Hopefully this will be the last time I ever post about that poor idiot. If this continues, I might try getting hypnotherapy for it.

I am thankful for the person I am now, I hope I can continue to grow stronger. I am thankful for my wonderful boyfriend, I hope things will continue to go well with our relationship.

Also, for my memory's sake: March 15.

Weakness

This little kitten is falling further and further into this nightmare called life.

Physical health: low
Mental health: low (partially due to Physical Health)
Emotional heath: fluctuating (low-high)

I am stressed to the max about my Japanese classes. I feel as though the work is becoming too much for me to handle. On top of that, add my recurring illness and emotional instability, and my grades are really starting to slip. I got some antibiotics from the doc though, so my heath in that department has been getting a little better. Some other health issue has popped up that I will need to get checked out soon, because it's quite painful and probably not something good.

On another note, I have now fully realized that my "first love" has emotionally messed me up, possibly preventing any future happiness of mine. The fact that it was a great first relationship, but that it had to end like that. Abandoned by my boyfriend, and betrayed by my best friend (same person). I finally found someone wonderful, with a chemistry that I never imagined I could feel. However, now I'm starting to feel I will never be able to fully trust him because I am still scarred by the past. It takes me a very long time to trust people, because I always end up getting hurt. I don't know if my ex knows what he did to me. I will never know if it was intentional or if he really is just that goddamn insensitive and retarded.

It scares me to think that this will cause me pain and dissonance for the rest of my life.

We'd always made promises that no matter what, even if we broke up, we'd still be friends. I should have realized. I should have realized what a scumbag he was. No, that's wrong. He wasn't always a scumbag. He's just always been lost in life, looking to be accepted by his peers. He's always been the type to change parts of himself to become popular in the eyes of others. Perhaps this is what happened.

On another note, this is the week before spring break and Animation and Gaming Ohio Convention. So I will need to pack up all my stuff for spring break, and in case I get to go to Con as well. Well.... actually, first I need to figure out where I'll be living. Yeah, that's an issue.

I have to find homes for these other mice as well. I keep getting nagged about it.

To the spirits or energies that move the cosmos, I have a small request. Please help me get through this week in one piece. I will do my best nonetheless, but if someone out there could just help everything fall into place, and help me accomplish the things beyond my ability, I would really appreciate it. I know I don't deserve it, but I would really appreciate it.

Help me to stay true to myself. Help me to heal my wounds and continue to be the person that I want to be. Help me to abstain from making the same mistakes I may have made in the past. Help me to show this person that I am just as amazing as he says.

A mercy killing, I beg of you

Once again, I am sick. And when I get sick, I my grades slip. And both of those conditions cause me to get depressed.

I'm worried that my constant whining over text is bothering my boyfriend. I get really needy and emotional when I get sick. Its not that I can't take care of myself, it's just that I want someone to be somewhere nearby and pet my head occasionally. Okay, in all honesty, I want someone to cuddle me and pet my head the entire time I'm sick. But I know that's an unrealistic wish. He wants to come take care of me, but I don't want him to see me looking all

I have an awful cold sore on my lip. It has led me to frustrating contemplations about how in the world I got the herpes simplex virus in my mouth. I've had it since I was pretty little, at least before I was 10. I didn't have my first mouth to mouth kiss until I was 17. I never really allowed myself to get too touchy and affectionate with relatives and other small kids when I was little, but the most likely explanation is that I got it from one of my family's get-togethers, where tons of food was shared and whatnot.

So back to my illness. Today I had one of the worst heartburn/acid reflux episodes ever. It started at work, about 2 in the afternoon. It sort of faded, but it woke me up again a few hours after I took a nap, and I almost wanted to go to the hospital. I downed two Tums like a boss, and it subsided to the point where I could breathe and think again, but the pain was (and still is) there.

I have an appointment at the health clinic tomorrow. Hopefully they will be able to do something for me this time. I hate feeling sick, I hate feeling needy. I feel guilty when others express concern for me and their desires to take care of me.

On a comedic note, I asked my friend and my roommate that if I were to die, if they could please do me the honor of having me cremated and making a smoothie with my ashes and secretly feeding it to my ex.

Did I mention... I also get bitchy when sick? Yeah, that'd be his "reward" for what he did to me. He fucked me up and now I have a fucking psychosis. Because of him, I now have abandonment issues. I'm afraid with my insecurity and fear is going to ruin my new relationship. I don't want to mess this up, I have a feeling that I have something good and solid here. It happened suddenly but... it feels like there's already a sense of gravity pulling me closer and closer. I like this guy a lot. And I'm already so scared of losing him.

Not just him, but I fear abandonment by friends as well. I've had fears of friendship abandonment for much longer, dating back to my elementary school days. I'm also constantly afraid that my good friends will drift away... and more often than not, they do. I don't want to be alone, but it's so difficult to keep up friendships from far away if it's one-sided.

Anyway, it's time for this sick little kitten to finish her essay and get some sleep. Oyasuminasai!